Peace within

I woke up last Sunday morning feeling very far from peaceful. My dreams were filled with my inflicting physical and emotional harm on those I felt had done me serious damage. This was serious stuff - these people had all but destroyed my reputation and career - it is not uncommon for people who have gone through that particular ordeal to commit suicide.

While that was 2 years ago the damage continues and I've struggled to find a full-time job to replace that one. My mind continues to circle around those I felt were responsible. I've attempted to deal with my seething resentment in various ways: searching ever harder for another job, meditating, rationalizing. But my desire for revenge has been strong and while I've been cutting off my violent thoughts when awake attempting to replace them with something more peaceful (after all I'm on the peace team at church, dammit!) my dreams didn't just 'leave all options on the table' they fully explored the violent possibilities.

In the past I would have indulged in these hate-filled thoughts, reveling in my enemies perceived torture and agony. After all 'they deserved it'. But even then it felt wrong and I always felt dirty afterward. This time I felt sad, frustrated, and angry with myself for not being able to work through it.

Somehow, out of character for me, I knew that these feelings would eventually pass. And the thought of the story told right after 9/11 of the 2 tigers came to me. Many people know the one - a young child is talking to his grandfather about the tragedy and his conflicting feelings about it. The grandfather replies that he understands telling the child that he, the grandfather, feels like he has two tigers fighting inside him - one is angry and vengeful while the other is peaceful and forgiving. The child asks which tiger will win to which the grandfather replies, "Which ever one I feed."

I have been meditating and studying a considerable amount more than in the past. I listen to 'Zencast' and put together on line jigsaw puzzles for hours. My own practice, as infant-like as it is, has had an effect. Today when I was substitute teaching many of the children were pretty wild. They had a longer than normal holiday vacation and have had trouble getting back into the swing of school routine. Coupled with some cabin fever and the national unease of the economy - the one trickle down that really works in economics: parents fear due to financial circumstances affects the children - they've been more unruly than normal. I felt myself more at ease and oddly in more control than the past. And my last class was the best behaved - even though they didn't start out that way.