How Loss Inspires Peace
This was what I understood as the essence of this group. I accepted the invitation because I was hoping to share the emotional processing of grief and share what insights I have gained so far.
I have heard it said that we are all born grieving, if only for the loss of our warm, soft mother's womb. From our first breath onwards, we live our lives somewhere on the scale between grief and acceptance.
Loss of innocence, loss of trust, loss of love, loss of ideals, loss of pride and loss of hope, must all be felt, dealt with and reconciled, or transcended, throughout the course of human life. We are complex, emotional beings, with many nuances of experience and expectations, although society often expects us to perform like primitive animals, or even care free machines.
10 months ago I lost a five year old child, which was such a primal experience that I think it tore my soul open to aspects of consciousness which otherwise might never have been revealed.
Now, I have had a rather intense life, in retrospect and I always was prone to psychic experiences, like second sight and pre-cog dreams, altered states and emotional sensitivities, but losing Aidan, pictured in my icon, outweighs everything in the previous 54 years of my life. I could say losing him ripped the fabric of space time, for me, but in a more profound way, it actually folded time in onto itself, to the point where I can see how I was born to raise him, for five years and he came to teach me.
This is a strange kind of peace, indeed, filled with paradox and ongoing mystery. How can reconciling something so agonizingly painful be done? Surrender. What is, is. What has happened, will always be and there is nothing to do but accept the gift in the experience. There is no denial involved. there is no absense of emotion,. The feelings are literally, heart rending. But letting the pain wash through me, like waves, allows the action and dynamic energy of pain to transmute my soul. There are amazing gifts of perception within that alchemical process. It's totally "mind blowing" more than any other trip. Ultimately, from the severity of the WASH comes beauty and peace. I will never draw another breath without pain, but it is my own transcendent intensisty of union with Aidan's spirit which creates such powerful sensations. I can call that PEACE and LOVE forever.
I have heard it said that we are all born grieving, if only for the loss of our warm, soft mother's womb. From our first breath onwards, we live our lives somewhere on the scale between grief and acceptance.
Loss of innocence, loss of trust, loss of love, loss of ideals, loss of pride and loss of hope, must all be felt, dealt with and reconciled, or transcended, throughout the course of human life. We are complex, emotional beings, with many nuances of experience and expectations, although society often expects us to perform like primitive animals, or even care free machines.
10 months ago I lost a five year old child, which was such a primal experience that I think it tore my soul open to aspects of consciousness which otherwise might never have been revealed.
Now, I have had a rather intense life, in retrospect and I always was prone to psychic experiences, like second sight and pre-cog dreams, altered states and emotional sensitivities, but losing Aidan, pictured in my icon, outweighs everything in the previous 54 years of my life. I could say losing him ripped the fabric of space time, for me, but in a more profound way, it actually folded time in onto itself, to the point where I can see how I was born to raise him, for five years and he came to teach me.
This is a strange kind of peace, indeed, filled with paradox and ongoing mystery. How can reconciling something so agonizingly painful be done? Surrender. What is, is. What has happened, will always be and there is nothing to do but accept the gift in the experience. There is no denial involved. there is no absense of emotion,. The feelings are literally, heart rending. But letting the pain wash through me, like waves, allows the action and dynamic energy of pain to transmute my soul. There are amazing gifts of perception within that alchemical process. It's totally "mind blowing" more than any other trip. Ultimately, from the severity of the WASH comes beauty and peace. I will never draw another breath without pain, but it is my own transcendent intensisty of union with Aidan's spirit which creates such powerful sensations. I can call that PEACE and LOVE forever.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Heather Sirotak on
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Thank You Mike. I do absolutely realize the choice not to wallow. The pain I feel simply rises up and washes through me, with a rythm all it's own. What I do to transmute the pain is feel it fully, breath through the sensations and allow the energy of my awareness to pass into other emotional states. Full, deep breathing is key. There is a constriction that builds up, if I don't maintain some level of awareness of the hollowed out space in my heart. It must be re-filled with Love and life. I will never draw another breath without awareness of the need to transmute involuntary pain into empowerment and enlightenment. It's the dynamic of transcending the life/death, pain/pleasure, illusion of duality. Aidan was, before he was born, and Aidan's soul will always be. All the effects of time are an illusiary construct, for teaching emotional/spiritual understanding. Aidan was already deep within my heart when I was only 5 years old, myself. That is where we are permanently connected. All one Onion, yet it takes powerful medicine to find our consciousness within each layer of reality. PAIN to LOVE is the farthest "distance" we can actually travel in soul terms. Distance through time doesn't really count. I guess because it's still only 10 months, traveling at this speed of light, it feels like a massive acceleration to me, together with what I can only describe as a spiritual quickening. When anything dies,there is also a birth and Aidan and I were extremely close, symbiotic actually. He was born 3 months early and wound up severely , physically disabled, so I was his 24/7 care-taker, acting as his interpreter and continuous advocate, as well as loving him beyond all measure. He slept next to me until just 6 months before he unexpectedly graduated.
I am so extremely grateful for having known such a perfect love and fully appreciating the beauty and priviledge of that gift, while he still lived! I can only feel gratitude, ultimately. I am actually one LUCKY human being!!!
I live my life to the fullest extent, as I know Aidan want. In a sense, he participates in all ongoing Love and Joy, of everyone he knew. That kid loved us so well and his smile would light up anyone's day, which is why I go on sharing it with everyone. If Aidan's smile can't help bring peace and a greater understanding of what really matters, then I don't know what can. Love the one you're with!
LOVE & PEACE
Heather
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Well Mike, that is a terribly ironic ending. You must have felt extremely disoriented and angry too, I imagine. Twenty two years is a good long marriage and signifies a true love. You were both blessed.
Aidan's death was bitterly ironic in many ways, as well. He had never been so robust and enjoying such a long stable period of weight gain and perfect health, other than his severe quadraplegic cerebral palsy. My biggest concern, besides my perennially futile attempt to get his state health insurance to provide a night nurse, was an ongoing battle was to get him placed in an inclusive kindergarten setting, in his own neighborhood school. I was busy fighting that inclusion battle, right up until the morning I found him gone. I had another hearing scheduled to fight the school district, later that day.
It may be that having the rug pulled out from under us was the catalyst required for a complete re-evaluation of knowing over mind!
I have experienced a weird phenomenon since imediately after Aidan left this plane, which I have since learned is sometimes called NUMBER SIGHTINGS. It started with my growing awareness of odd numerical synchronicities in both our lives and culminated with my writing a non-linear autobiographical account of all the interconnections of familial fate, through 5 generations, ending with, or beginning with, Aidan. The trouble is, I can't wrap it up, because the numerical correspondences and many other types of glaring coincidences just keep cropping up faster than I can process or record them, unless I stop everything else.
What I'm now forced to conclude is there are no coincidences. We all incarnate with a pre-agreement to be exactly who we are, for exactly the right amount of time, to teach and learn exactly the right lesons, with exactly who we're meant to inter-relate and co-create with. The time of our birth to the time of our death offer clues to our soul's destiny and purpose. Some of us may choose a harder test than others, or require more proof.
It's good to get to a point where we can own our lives and love exactly what we have, including our particular pain. Patty must have learned exactly what she came to learn. I recieved a powerful message from my deceased maternal grandmother, who I was very close to, shortly after Aidan passed. She came to me in the timeless realm of consciousness and told me, simply, in no uncertain terms, "Aidan already knew EVERYTHING he needed to learn by age five.". Although there were absolutely no signs of impending death, whatsoever. He didn't even have a cold. I had been simply relishing my boy in his final months. I was hesitant to lay him down in his own bed at night, because loving him felt so sweet, no words could express the pure innocent pleasure he gave. Holding him was heaven and I told myself so, often lingering, long after he had dropped off from my singing him to sleep. The final night was only different in his having fallen asleep on me, in our bed, instead of the recliner in Aidan's own room. So, Papa got to appreciate his sweetness too. As he helped me carry our precious boy into his room that final night, I whispered, "He's still my sweet baby" and my husband said, "No, he's our big boy!".
I also learned lessons about the downside of allopathic medicine, from Aidan's life. I try to help other mothers of preemies and kids with special needs learn from our trials. One dear friend, who I met because her daughter shared the same issues, ended up losing her child just 4 months after Aidan, in a very similar way. I never felt I knew how to help her, although I was mysteriously compelled to reach out to her and invite her to our home, when her baby was only 4 months old, while Aidan was over his worst hurdles, at 3 years. It seemed especially ironic when she comforted me after he died. But, sadly, there was healing for both of us in reciprocating and we're friends for life now! she has caught the number sighting bug too, even though she's always been a left brained scientist, totally in her logical mind. Now she's talking about synchronicity and the esoteric meaning of life almost as "superstitiously" as I see everything anymore.
1.23.2003 has resonance, for me too. Aidan was born 8.14.2003, 3 days after my grandmother's birthday. I was born on 11.1 my mother was born on 8.23. Next to EIGHT (my natal chart's jammed into the eighth house of Scorpio) no other number carries more personal weight than three, because my grandmother drilled it into me that "Everything comes in threes!".
Have you found any peculiar numerical connections and patterns in your life with Patty too?
Maybe it's just a bizarre coping mechanism, a mild form of mental abberation, triggered by my loss, but I don't think so. I get the feeling we're all undergoing a harmonic convergence, or psycho-spiritual alignment. We're awakening to recognize the underlying matrix of reality and the ties that bind us all together. I hope so, because there's certainly peace in that prospect.
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