Two and a half years ago I lost my best friend in the world. She was more than a friend, she was a pal. Colleen was like another part of me. Someone, the only one, that actually knew me, listened to what I had to say and understood all the stupid little things that I did.
It's funny in a sad smile kind of way that even now certain songs or smells or sounds will make me cry remembering her. I knew the woman for 43 years, longer than I have known my husband. Her words to me about troubles and problems were, "this too shall pass."
Well, I want to know when the grief at her loss will pass? How long will I miss her so deeply? How long will I have to be saddened by memories and loss?
I know that if she is in spirit form she is having a good belly laugh at my tears and sorrow, that would be her nature.
But, for me, there is only loneliness and sorrow, and more missing than I can righteously stand.

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But wait, let me tell you about Colleen. She was an Irish Protestant and I an Irish Catholic and everything said we should not be friends. She liked corny musicals and big fanfare like the opening day at the Olympics or the Academy Award ceremonies. I thought that stuff boring. She loved books and had a collection at one time of close to two thousand. She loved animals especially her dogs and farming was ingrained in her soul. She was brilliant. a member of Mensa, a graduate of SUNY with a degree in chemistry. She was well read, and introduced me to a world of literature. Colleen thought I was a brilliant artist and I thought myself a decent one. She saw more in me than I saw in myself and encouraged me all through our relationship to be more than I thought I could be. She developed cancer and it took her away.
Where people go when they leave is a mystery. Sometimes I feel that she hovers near, chuckling at my stupidity (it's still there) and shaking her head at the obvious choice that I will never see that would have made things better. I wish I could just talk to her one more time. But, then again what would I say? How's things? What's it like where you are? She proabably wave her hand at me as say, "how the hell do you think it is?"
I really don't know what I'd say, except maybe, "why'd you have to leave me so soon?" I have a whole life ahead of me without my pal. Sad, so sad, 'cause just friends won't do . . .
BErtie....
just friends won't do....because in reality, we can't have so many of those really really wonderful old friends.
Just bits and pieces in other people we may meet....
but the more people one meets the more possible it is to find some of those qualities and be satisfied at least with the bits and pieces....
Dearest Bertie!
The sentence you wrote How long will I miss her so deeply? You will always have her with you....so in a way, even though you will miss her, she IS you, don't you think? If you were that close you were bonded with knowing one another, and she was a part of you and you her.
I think there is nothing so wonderful in knowing that someone really loves us for who we are, and understands us so well and accepts us so well. I too have lost too many of my buddies, it doesn't seem at all fair at this age. Not too old to be losing such great friends.
I know from your sensitivity that you gave a lot to your friend and she gave to you too. I know that you appreciate that you had her. But I definitely know what you mean. Because you do lose a bit of yourself when such a dear friend leaves. I really do understand Bertie, I am sorry truly.
Stephanie
Thank you Stephanie, I was really missing Colleen very badly yesterday afternoon. She would definitely be giggling at my emotional display. You know, her biggest hero was Sherlock Holmes. The cold, reasoning detective who nevertheless had a heart underneath. Life is strange, really, on one hand I would love nothing better that to live forever, yet, the loss of friends like that or of a child are incidences I know only too well. And, to bear these sorrows beyond one life time would be a constant heartbreak. I suppose I am a romantic, unencurable; in love with the ideal world where people and beloved pets live on. Colleen would have laughed at that as well. She understood the cycle of life and death and re-birth better than I can right now. I believe in reincarnation. I have been her friend in other lives and will be with her again. But . . . for now, I miss her.
Hi Bertie,
I love how you did love and still love your friend, Colleen. What a great tribute! What an inspiration to read both of your tears and of your pain. Only those of us who have lost someone dear all too soon can touch the depth of grief you suffer.

I would love to tell you that you will feel better soon - but the truth is, you will feel better...gradually. You will have better days and more of them. My dearest friend in the world passed away from cruel HIV/AIDS in 1991, and to this very day I miss him almost desperately. Yet, I know in my deepest heart that he is wherever he needs to be, doing that which he is in service to do - he was a very loving and spiritual being and I have no doubt that "the Powers That Be" have put him to work.

What I started to do after the first couple of years was to create things in his honor. He was a brilliant book-arts/collage artist and a school teacher, so I started volunteering at my son's elementary school as their art teacher (it was a small private alternative school with no "official" art program.) I could almost hear him giggling as I rolled out zany creative projects for the kids, like building dolls and dollhouses out of recycled and found objects - it was a project he adored. And I created personal things for him/in his memory as well - paintings, beaded objects, small booklets. He taught me how to make miniature folded books one day and I still celebrate his life by repeating the project.

Your friend is not replaceable - she was one of a kind. But you loved her and she loved you. As much as you miss her, finding ways to memorialize her and offer the gifts she gave you to others in the world is one way to deal with your grief. I like to think that my dear friend left me with a hand full of seeds to plant after his passage. He left me, yes, but with dreams of great beauty and the sweetest memories of being loved for just the foolish person that I am. As I attended his death bed and sang to him, the presence of God was so close - it was his last gift, to invite me to his passing, so that I might witness the true miracle of death, which is that it is but another beginning.

I am sending you big hugs. I may be a stranger but I feel your pain. Peace to you this day, dear Bertie.
What a beautiful suggestion. I have many things that Colleen taught me. Her favorite advice to me was always "this too shall pass" when I had troubles. I have started telling people this, especially my daughter she is a little bit excitable. Colleen admired my painting and writing more than anyone else and I see now that it was indeed a gift for communication. I have selfishly kept most of my work to myself. I have opened hubpages to share my written work, most of them mysteries, but maybe they might brighten someone's day. I realized after reading what you wrote that I was not sharing the things that Colleen believed about me the most. Who knows? Perhaps sharing these little dramas may encourage someone to produce a best seller. Once she told me I did not know how to take a compliment. I do not know how, it is true and always try to talk the complimenter out of it. Colleen told me that without my interest at heart I cannot affect someone else's. I fear too large an ego, I was born a talented artist and writer.
I thank you once again for your addition to this post. I feel better knowing that doing what I love to do best is a way to remember and honor a wonderful woman who should never be forgotten.
Thank you a million times.

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