When you feel happiness begin to think if you are worth it after all you have done and been through !?!?!

The year is 1986-87 ..... I had been without homes for a while and everything seemed hopeless .... I just float around and flowed over time that was, can not remember when in the year this was. I stole to get something to eat ... that the police had taken my drugdealer as I too worked as a courier for! I was desperate ... no home .. no food ... no drugs, I did not know what or how I would go or do! I started to make small burglary in the summer where I saw that there were things to sell and I could get a roof over your head ( for the night). I was on my way over ... about to die ... it felt in every nerve and vein in the body, I met my boys' mom the first time then. Everything seemed to brighten, but I was so far LOW EBB so that the first months was to go ambulance because overdose .. but they save me every time (my memory 'm so blurred, so I write from what I remember and the boys' mother told me). What the beginning of a relationship or whatever you should call it: (... but I decided to stop. In the last year, I had been on heroin, but most amfettamin ... most amfettamin I came in through the nose .. . when it was not enough, I took the syringes with heroin.Innan I decided to stop so I held on to take the death of a MKT good friend because I was a total imbalance in the ignition, I got me that he and the boys' mother had been together (but it was not) but my brain went to high pressure and I fooled myself totally ... it was in the boiler room of his villa that I assaulted him and then tried to strangle him (this is boys' mother told me .. I have no idea about it). How drugs distorts and transforms even the main one to come is really not ... she came down in the basement because she heard a fucking life! Then she got to see how he started to be completely lifeless ... she flew at me o JOSTLE me and another friend came o did artificial respiration on him. If they do not come down, I had killed him (Jesus, he was one of my best friends and not a junkie), it was well then that I decided to stop drugs!

I managed to stop but it was tough ... the only help I had was good friends and the boys' mother ... she ended up the job she had to help me: (. We could not have me in furnished rooms, I was mad and smashed it did, it ended up I only had a mattress on the floor of a room. The worst was in pain throughout the body so i could not stand or sit ... I was twisting like a worm on the floor ... and some moments i swoon. Another thing that was .. that I just have weak memories of the I was in my own vomit ... I had peed on me ... I had poop on me because of these seizures, which the body does not cope with them ... in intensive cramps I swoon! This lasted a couple days ... when it was done and I started to wake up to was craving , I had to fight every minute ... and as soon as the boys' mother was out, I got a babysitter so I do not find the stupid reached or went away to obtain drugs!

I do not know how much I beg o asked to take drugs just because I did not want the pain that untied in the body and to eliminate the craving ...

There had been some time and everything seemed cool, I had the confidence to go to the store ..... that end in disaster ... I met an old friend o it was bogged ... when it became a trip that was not of this world and a new trip to the ER in the ambulance (due to overdose!

After that time, I do not go on toilett alone ... I could not do anything alone .... but it was only because I wanted to stop ... I became very angry and mad sometimes .... some days I turned upside down the whole apartment in the hope of finding something could mitigate the pain and craving, but there was nothing at all,,, usually end up that I crept up in the knee on the boys mother wept as a small child. This lasted a long time ago, it get to much and we were divided ... then came the summer .. August friend drove off the road ...

But that is another story!

I am not looking for sympathy from this blog ... know that there are more who have been victims of abusers ... a desperation users is VITAL!!

You can not trust an addict ... It says that it does have not met in a really heavy users. I just wanted to ease the pressure ..... for there are thoughts that come when you feel happiness and the matter will, if it is worth it ... but all are worth knowing happiness is reached exception!

But it is difficult to maintain the feel of it is not turned away when the feet of one's life will catch up with ... kke I can avoid it now ... this is the first meadow, I write so deep about this time ... kke it will be easier next time tanks will that does not feel worth luck!

Kenneth Alfsson

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