Running Circles (for T.S.)

running in circles around myself
looking for a way out of a personal hell
wondering wearily whether it ever ends
if the circle will break, if i'll find my friends
does anyone out there see i care?
can she see through lies made of air?
circles drawn purposefully, fooling even myself
does happiness really lie in wealth?
i don't think so, but i could be wrong
this path back to M.E. has been long...

(I)ndependent (C)ertification of Di[ST]urbanc{E}

inside the fire, responding to signals source unknown
where will i find her? is my cover y[et] blown?
i'm looking for someone, but know not yet who
from up there can you tell where i'm headed to?
i don't feel like myself in this dependence
away from her, walled in, trying to hop the fence
over to her: no rights; feeling wrong- without her
please help me out here- i can't take this pressure
tell me, i beg you, who she is and where i should be
i don't understand where this force is driving me

(F)oolishly (P)atient (S)atellite

uni-directional guidance guaranteeing 'success'
as i'm left here alone with less and less
giving it all away to buy some acceptance
but so far all i've met with is re-ejection
'family' (?)- mother, father, brother- do they see me?
what must i do to convince them of what i believe?
a UNIverse runs solely on cooperation
not 'time,' 'money,' 'work' or 'incorporation'
we're in this together and i just want them to see
how desperate i am, that i'm already all i am
will i ever be???

Deli???rious Tremors

shaking, unsure, confused; [K]aught in an endless loop
awa[K]e, absorbing, falling; unconscious of the truth
doubted, daunted, disabled; vision blurred by lack of breath
watching- fearing instead of acting, wishing only for a quick death
hoping it will come to me before those around m(.)e(.) pass
not seeing how i drain them with each sip from the glass
not seeing how our drea{m}s are so intricately {e}ntertwined
my intentions distracted, per[s]onally miserable- an unrefined temper define[d]
not seeing through through the confusion; fallen, shaken
too blind to see a day when i will finally awaken
i get up each day to drink and drink each day to sleep
as i immunize myself against the truth within me

Dreaming Reversal

here i sit, wasted, once and for all finished
no longer desiring to be a fish
[S]haking from consumption and consuming while shaking
[D]espising whole-heartedly the path i am taking
d(e)lirious and confused amidst a confu(s)ing d(e)lusion
wondering at which moment we will a[c]hieve fusion
the 'drug' i'm looking for i know can be found here
and at some point in my circle she will appear
in front or beside me, i know i'll run into her
but at the moment i feel i may be beginning to wither
wantlessly wondering whether the end i see is real
if i ever get to her, if she will hear {m}y app{e}al

Hijacking a Whit{E} Bla{Z}{E}r / Run Down By the Blazer's Owner's White Cavalier

broken-down, suburban, much too far to go
how far must i walk before i'll see her show?
my legs are tired, engine's dead, but i still have some gas
just enough left to get me safely to the last
mounting a mountain, piloted by a space ship
lost, wandering, alone- for her working ([T]hird [S]hift)
i'll get to her eventually, i know she's my ride
but how do i do it (all joking aside)?
maybe i'll get there once i've stolen it all
reaching for freedom, chasing me, a white cavalier- the fall
speaking, pleading, running: lying my way out of it
wanting only {HER}, completely tired of this s***
tired of fighting, running and wordfully wondering who
arreasted by the reality of what i've done to you...

ring any bells yeett?

Divergent Intersections

what i wouldn't give to go back in time
and pick you up on someone else's dime
back to the point where we first intersected
and try another line with my new-found perspective
i looked at you, saw beauty, and looked away
if only i had looked at you on any another day
i another person, maybe younger, you not my student
but the way things have fallen is far more prudent
our geometries simply sent us in different directions
and the more i ponder it as i continue reflecting
on how and for what reason i came all this way
i guess losing you will be the price i must pay
things only go on, forward; never back to where they started
and we cannot relive the past now with knowledge time-imparted

Less Stressful Mathematics

the truth, actually, about the 'geometry' of me
is that i never had anything, really, to teach
at least not to you- from you i was learning
to be more relaxed and somewhat less discerning
not in such a way that i lost my taste for it or care
bur more appreciative of 'distractions'- far more aware
that it's always a smile- a child- who wins the day
and the best smile i know- you- is eighteen today
it was while watching you i saw how to just be
to make a joke of it, goof off, have fun- SUCCEED
one only ever gets to where they carry themselves
and a body is lighter, brighter and in better health
when left free to roam rather than tied to math
it's easy to count but often much harder to laugh
so if you've forgotten all that numbers can do
you're likely better off- i learned everything from you

Forbidden Dreams of a Timeless Geometry

i act like i know you but can't really be positive
time did a number on me and lately i'm quite negative
loosing all these feelings has left me ever more in doubt
losing myself as 'they' drag me around and around
through past, future, parallel universes, finally back to now
and what i find when i get here is that i have missed out
absolutely not you, partially due to me- mostly i blame society
i wanted someone who understood and there you were in front of me
but the 'clarity' of 'reality'- timing- meant i couldn't see
a 'forced choice' kept me unknowing, blind to my dreams
of you, of 'us'- shameful perhaps, to some, but completely true
i wonder now- as i sit- if you ever dreamed of me, too...
in the end all of that won't matter much, i guess
when you give up a dream you're always left with less
but please don't forget to take this thought with you-
i always did, always do and always will love you

Jealousy (Onset)

jealousy, i've found, is a rather strange emotion
you feel attraction, see love and then... bam! demotion
or so it seems- it was never real to begin with
or has it? i'm confused... i just saw you two kiss
the strange part about it is that i imagined all of this
i must have, it's obvious- it turned out like it is, didn't it?
as my stomach drops i lose my breath in an instant
a moment later i catch it- what the hell am i thinking?
too young, too beautiful, too poised- she'd make me too nervous
plus she's my student- the consequences aren't worth it
two different worlds; divided, apart- or so the clock says
this world runs on time, right? this must be some kind of test
if it is i've failed- i feel it every time i think of you now
everything that never was has changed for me- but how?
an instant mutation to jealousy caused by a single event
unfair, ridiculous- and i wasted the rest of it

Jealousy (After)

when that knot hit i had no idea what had happened
i recognized it immediately, but why? to what end?
more importantly, i guess, as i began to slowly sort through it
there's only one thing before jealousy, so when did it begin?
unimportant, too, really- i was jealous so must have fallen
i felt drained, hurt, pained, scattered broken
i saw you change toward me, too, and could tell that you knew it
forever totally unspoken, my last chance, that's it- i blew it
the rest is mostly a blur, but i took it out on you
every time i saw you i know i let it show through
confusing is an understatement, i'm sure, from where yous at
i never said a word about it until afterwards... then that
coldness set in- it must have seemed one hell of a mood swing
there are no word to make up for it- i couldn't say anything
to describe how i feel about what i did to you then
with that jealousy of mine i managed to lose more than a friend
i hope you know if we had managed to have better timing
i might not have been left here, alone- merely rhyming

A Fool's Foolish Fantasy

here's what i'd say to you if i hadn't been me
and hadn't missed the chance we had for us to be
it will likely sound awkward, given our roles
it feels strange to say it, but that's how it goes...
i couldn't take my eyes off of you when you were in sight
unless you wanted to go somewhere- then i'd say 'alright'
whether you knew it or not (it probably was obvious)
the others saw it- even the most distracted and oblivious
from the moment you walked in you had me wrapped around your finger
i didn't always know why, didn't ever care- i let you linger
in halls, in rooms, in dreams in my head- wherever you went
the others were jealous of you- they knew what it meant
the freedom, the trust- maybe (just maybe:) a touch of lust
i was a 'victim' of reality, not totally blind to 'us'
only in retrospect do i fully appreciate the attraction
and if you ever read this somewhat dread the reaction
but time, as usual, has torn 'us' apart
so this will remain a secret of my heart...

How You Fixed Me

before i met you i was a total wreck
i am to this day, but since far less of one
alcoholic; not alone, but distant- pathetic
it took me this long to see what you've done
not to me, but for me- i'm sounding obsessed...
your example, my dear, has been inspiring
the sleeping awakened and ultimately possessed
you even got me to finally consider retiring
not from teaching, or working or life in general
but from worry, despair and haphazard self-torture
maybe i should have given myself a referral
and deferred to you- always more aware and sure
you were leading me all along- you knew the way
how to be, how to smile, how all of this works
i was uncomfortable, usually shaky- always afraid
technically in charge- the truth sometimes hurts
but that pain of feeling brought me back to myself
out of misery, resurfacing- back to consciousness
coloring over my own personally created hell
back home, back to earth- back from senselessness

A Voice I Can't Remember

very well- it's still ringing loudly in my head
not the same pitch, tone or exactly what you said
but the purpose, the meaning- your care-full care-less-ness
always choosing friends, fun over class or assignments
when you left i wondered but never asked where you went
'mr. cool'? not likely, but thanks for the compliment
maybe used, usually a pushover- always silently infatuated
amazed, completely engaged by the energy you generated
for yourself, for others, but mostly (selfishly) for me
and i, some kind of idiot, have let you go it seems
i can't remember your voice, though it's ringing in my head
in dreams, when i wake, when i drive- i wish it were you instead
where i'm going, belong- my final destination
you are always with me- a phantom intonation
a memory of an angel which will always guide me
no matter where, who (or what) i may actually be
please don't forget me- i could never forget you-
when i'm lost it's you that helps me get through

Split in Two by Lines

lines, geometry, points directly connected
like life, i guess, though patterns less intricate
and far more likely to shape up as expected
'goodbye'- a word never meant to be delicate
or good, or (by the way) even useful
sharp, pointed, but less geometric- more abusive
only space seperates points scattered across a plane
but to life we add the extra dimension of time
you can't go back, only forward, if you are to be 'sane'
even if you'd rather be somewhere else on your line

A Collusion Course in Mathematics

what do you have to give up? lovers? friends?
what of yourself must you sell to buy your way
out, from nothing, straight to the end?
up to the top- like night and day?
whose soul? yours? hers? theirs? how many?
what must you steal? a kiss? a blazer? money? how much?
what must you losee? a lover? a limb? a mind? everything?
what does it take? an election? a war? a lie? or just a touch?
what is the end? here? there? space? or somewhere in between?
figure it out for yourself- this is where i begin...

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