My Life's Journey and what it holds for me now...

For two weeks now, I wait...
For two weeks now, I pray...
For two weeks now, I have to fight my human self and allow my spirit man to hold its true place in my life...
For two weeks now, I have answered question about what is going to happen and how will I be able to deal with it...
For two weeks now, I have tried to be strong, filled with purpose, fearing nothing, having true power of my faith, having complete understanding of what and why this is happening to me at this stage of my journey...
For two weeks now, I have watched my family, look at me and when I would return the look they would quickly look away, I have watched my wife and how this is affecting her, and she is not well herself, but she looks at me with the eyes of a person that wants to do something or say something, but does neither for the fear of making it worse for me or having a feeling of making a big mistake...
For two weeks now, I have watched my Mom, she ask me if I need anything, I say no thank you, she watches me when I move from the kitchen to the bedroom and she has a look of fear and hurt on her face, she talks to her family and friends very quiet on the phone so as not for me to hear the words she shares with them about me, she sits across from me in the early mornings as we drink coffee and talk about things of the past, she love me, and I love her, but nothing either of us could do to change what is to come, so we just sit and think and wonder...
For two weeks now, I have watched one of my daughters that came up from Florida to help her mom and dad for awhile, she just does things that she feels is needed, yet she has no idea of what is needed she just does...
For two weeks now, I have watched my granddaughter and grandson just stair at me, their eyes full of questions, they are filled with much pain for me in their little bodies, yet they dont understand and I cant change it so I just sit and love on them and tell them all is fine, Papa loves them always...
So for two weeks now, much has happened, yet in truth none of this has been the answer for me and my questions, none of what we share here in our home, here on Mother Earth, here with in our self has given any answers or direction and purpose to why this is to be, so why do we go through the motions of all of this if it has no affect as to what is going to happen? Is this not just a waste of time that could be used for a better purpose of service to others? Are we being selfish by what we feel and ask and say during this time of unknowing? I wonder, I ponder, I walk and think, I sit and pray, I wait and listen, I ask aloud to Creator...
what say You the Great Spirit, the Creator of All Things...what say You...hear me, I just a simple humble servant to You and all of mankind that allow me this blessing...what say You?
OK, I will fill in the blanks that have been left so that you have the question, what is going on, what is wrong with him, is he sick, is he dieing, is he going to jail or something legal, what has happened?
My answer is complex for many things have lead to this point in my journey, and I don't have the time to go back and relive what is past, even though most of it has brought me to this point...but we must always place the past in its true place, we must never try and live life and not look back at our history and the lessons in which we have learned, for true life is a circle, from where it began, so shall it end, maybe not in a human sense, but in the pure truth of Life itself. So in our knowing and understanding this we must move forward always and never try and turn around or back track, just forward always...well Creator has laid something on me to deal with so that I may find true understanding of Life and Self, of Direction and Purpose, of Love and Hate, of Truth and Lies, of Fear with Faith or Fear without Faith, it is for me to make my choice and once it is made, I must move forward and never look back and I must live with what I and I only have chosen to do with this part of my life...
Creator has shown me many things over my life time, the Elders...the Old One's...a very special Chief, so many have spent much time and effort so as for me to come to this place, this point, this time...and now they must allow me to do this myself, for no one can walk this for me, as did Jesus as he hung on that cross, only He was able to do what was needed at that place and time...and no I am not saying I am Jesus or God or anything other than myself, but it shows that this is not something I am taking for granted, this I must do and do the way in which it been designed or all that I have believed and lived for means nothing...have I lost you yet?
I have a bad heart, COPD,High blood pressure, blood clots behind my heart that they can not do anything about unless it is the last resort...HMMMMM...sounds like I am falling apart at the seems, but in truth, I am more of a man than ever...I have a power that youth could not handle, I have a understanding of self and my spirit that only I can understand, all this and it is time for the day of choice as to how and what I am living for, what my desire is for self, who I serve and do this of free will and no doubt that all is as it should be...
Creator has drawn the line in the sand and now it is time to prove myself, but to whom do I need to prove this too? Creator? NO? He already knows what is going to happen...then whom will I feel a need to prove this too?
Myself...I must show that the spirit with in me is the rule of this body,not my mind...I must show myself that nothing can come between my spirit and my Creator...this is whom I must prove this too...
Creator has allowed me to live my life as I desired, He has shown me many times the good and the bad, but in the end, it was always up to me as to which way I would journey. Well today, is one of those times of choice, but this time it could mean much more than me looking stupid or me having to go and ask for forgiveness for something I may have said or done, this time, it is only going to affect my spirit, so as I move from moment to moment each thing that affects my direction is more important today than any day before...I have blood clots in my right leg so bad that they cant do anything for it, and if gain-green sets up it can kill, worse yet is the smell of dead tissue, even worse yet is the look of a part of your body dieing, and if that is not bad enough, the pain, the pain is always, it never leaves you, you hurt when you stand, sit, lay, ride, try to sleep, the pain is with you always...so two weeks ago I was told that my doctor is going to call UAB Medical Center in Birmingham, Alabama, she is going to start the process of gathering the doctors I need to assure that all will be done that can be...she is talking to them and then they are to call me and tell me when to be there so that my right leg can be removed...at this point all I know is it will be at-least to my knee, but may go above the knee...now for some this is very bad, for some this is just part of life, for some this is not an option, they would never even think about allowing this to be done...but it is not them or you or Creator, it is Me...with all that is wrong with the other parts of my body, they worry that I could bleed to death, have a massive hear attach or my lungs give up and if that is not enough other things with the removal of my leg could cause major problems if not death, so now I wait, the waiting is the worst of it, but just maybe Creator is saying hey...Patience...or maybe others that will be involved in all of this may have something it will take me and what is wrong with me to bring them to the place of desiring to know Him more...
Well all things have a direction and a purpose and with this being said, I pray that I have the guts to do what is best no matter how it might feel to me, this is a time and place in my life that only a few live to see, I have true chance to do what is good, what is just, what Jesus would do, all I must do is make sure that all thoughts are for what is just, what is for my Creator and His plan for All Things not just what is good for me. If I can reach this Plato then All Things will be allowed me to understand, and I pray to see Creator smile and His Will Be Done...
Well now you know where and what is going on with me and my life and family, so if I fail to answer you or appear not to care...that is not it at all, I am just sick and going through many trials at this time but always know this, I am never to busy to pray and I pray for All not just me, so please be safe, happy, healthy, loved, loving, faithful and continue to walk the path on this Our Life's Journey...love and peace I ask for you today...Joseph/EagleBear