The Devil Came Knocking

i have come to appreciate utube. a year ago i really didn't know a thing about it. i have been able to see political speeches, historical ones, via utube. i've been able to see, over and over, the angel that is susan boyle sing her amazing rendition of "i dreamed a dream" via utube. my daughter has learned more about styling the hair of her american girl dolls via utube than i would ever have dreamt existed.

that said, utube is also the training grounds for violence, the place where kids from local high schools can go learn how two kids their age plotted and planned and succeeded in committing mass murder, and then suicide, in the middle of a high school just like theirs.....same place, different town so to speak. it's where kids can be taken step by step through the process of building bombs, building equipment to ingest drugs. it's the place where they can sit and laugh at other kids choking each other in a god-awful "game" that they claim gives a safe high.

i once caught my boys fighting and the words i heard were "you didn't stop when i tapped out." huh? look, i'm the first one to admit that in the heat of the moment, when a small framed female is forced to break up the fighting of boys who are no longer little, it's easy not to delve into the deeper issue at hand. i pretty much count my lucky stars if i can get the situation under control without sustaining physical injury. boys will be boys....or at least that seems to be the general perception.

baloney. it's a myth. it's a crutch. it's bullshit...pardon the language.

i watched a father talk about losing his son by way of "choking roullete" going horribly wrong. the kid was 15 and his 11 year old sister found him. the thought of my daughter walking in to find one of her brothers in the same state makes my eyes water and my stomach churn and i am just utterly unable not to take measures to prevent it. i once knew an 80+ year old woman who had the most amazing sayings, quotes...she repeated them to her kids all through their childhoods. one of those kids shared some of them with me. i recall a particularly appropriate one at the moment....and again...please pardon the language...."you would rather f*&** with a hungry kodiak bear than f*&* with one of my kids."

my kids can no longer access utube in my house without going through me first.....and yes, i do realize that they can go on it in other people's houses, or have their friends send them videos. i get that. that's why i make use of my ability as the one who pays for their internet, the one who bought their computers, the one who actually cares to see them become fruitful, healthy , happy adults, to track what they do. is it an invasion of privacy? not really. not in my opinion. i do not read their email. i would if i felt the need, however. and you know what? if i have to weigh their safety vs their right to privacy, the right to privacy goes straight out the window.

i've spent the last year forcing myself to learn about things i readily admit i still don't understand. i'm not even interested in them. im not a techie, and don't want to be one. i don't like spending my time learning about the myriads of ways the negative influences of this world have learned to cloak themselves as technological advancement and then come waltzing right through my front door, or through the cables running into my house.

i admit to finding it a all a pain in the butt. that' the reality. it's easy to talk about all the things that need to be done, but it's entirely frustrating to have to be bothered when i'm trying to work because my kid cannot get on a site that i've blocked and they actually need to get on for a valid reason. it requires i stop what i'm doing and go figure out how to temporarily remove said block, which for me, is an hour long process. did i say i'm not a techie? i wasn't kidding. it shouldn't be that way....but it is that way. it's that way in my house and every other house in this country.

of course they're not thrilled about the idea of parental oversight. tough luck. my oldest are not yet 16. i am completely, fully, adamant in my unwillingness to allow a world that's toppling into the sewer to take my kids down with it. i'll place my bets on the notion that when they reach adulthood, they'll understand.

myspace can be a problem, too. i've talked about it before. kids don't understand the trouble that myspace can bring. here's a real life example.

i made a myspace page because my kids were on it. i started to enjoy the artsy part of creating the page. it's fun, actually. i posted pictures of myself and the kids in the photo section. guess what? anybody can right click on those images, save them to their own computer, and then do as they like with them. in my case, those pictures were returned to me by way of my cell phone and to date, thousands of times. those pictures were photoshopped probably by way of something like photobucket...a site that's free and easily turns normal looking teenagers into criminals. when i got them back by way of harrassing text messages, they featured me without a head, me covered in blood, me labelled a cunt, a whore, a psycho maniac. i've received photos of my children in the same states, photos of my parents even, ones i'd taken last thanksgiving. my oldest sons have received them. recently, my son's friends even received them. yes, that's criminal. yes, it jarred me. yes, i filed police reports. repeatedly. once i finally figured out where they were getting them, i took the things down.

the web. it's aptly named. you can get stuck in it and have the life sucked right out of you. don't doubt it. my cell phone number has been changed 4 times and tracked down all four of those times. my cell phone company is making attempts to now give me an actual alias. isn't that nuts? it's the only way to absolutely guarantee that nobody can find my records. the only other way is to have my account placed under a family members name. i'm a single parent. i'm an adult. i refuse to allow the demented actions of other people, actions their web surfing enables and encourages, to deny me the right to have cellular phone service.

the pictures i posted of myself and my family, naievely, are sent from prepaid cell phones.....the police call them throwaway phones. they aren't registered. they can sit in their miserable house in front of their computer and push the resend button relentlessly. when the minutes run out, they simply pester their parent for a 20 and start all over, new phone in hand. amazing. yes, i know who is behind them. the person behind them is also an adult, but one who seems entirely successful at applying the concept of denial to every single aspect of life, including the aspect that allows others under his roof to use his internet connection, his cellular service etc to participate in the act of terrorizing other individuals. it's a fact.

i took the photos down. i still get the messages. for all i know there's a video on utube that taught a few unsupervised teenagers with way too much time on their hands exactly how to engage in their deplorable behavior. they think it's funny. i think it's dangerous. i am a 38 year old woman and while i am absolutely freaked out by their actions, i am in no danger of committing suicide no matter how many times i'm told to do so...to make the world better place for my children. sick, isn't it?

i have been called a cocksucking piece of shit by a 15 year old girl who, amazingly, put the same words on her myspace profile....right in the open for all the world to see. this time she was talking about another 15 year old girl. what kind of 15 year old girl, what kind of decent female of any age, walks around using words like cocksucker? what kind of 15 year old girl who no doubt claims she's a good hearted girl, attacks someone in such a manner as that? it's not ok. it's not acceptable. it's not funny. it's a 15 year old girl with a filthy mouth engaging in the cyber-bullying that we all know has killed way too many kids by now. it's also a 15 year old girl apparently unaware that the guys attracted to that are ones who could care less about her "good heart" but are more than willing to show her new ways to use her filthy mouth. further, i don't think her "good heart" will mean much if she targets another kid who ends up hanging from the closet by an electrical cord.

i know......this one isn't exactly on the light side. but you know what? as tough as it is to handle, the consequences of not handling it are far worse.

i remember the days when i felt guilty for letting my kids watch too many episodes of power rangers. oh for the good ole' days.