Relapse [Pt. XXi]

Morning ‘Fix’

tourniquet taut, trapping air
blocking escape, breathing impaired
speaking shakily in early morning
before i drink. my family warning
wondering why i would do this to them
or myself, for that matter, why i don’t stem
this disaster- i can see it looming
so i take a drink- when drunk it’s roomy
trapped here, alone, in this vicious pattern
by my own will, daily being battered
beaten and broken- how do i get myself out?
if i can’t drown it down, how do i deal with this doubt?
after drink two or three, once my hands start to steady
once the drinks’ve been circulated i’m feeling ready
to start over and forget everything that worries me
my reasons, my wondering and even my family
in my zone now, breathing seems easier
the pain is back, though- it feels like a spear
run in, run through- straight into my heart
and as it slides smoothly it tears me apart
luckily for me i’ve already begun my drinking-
it doesn’t phase me as i water down my thinking
i know it should hurt but don’t care right now
maybe i’ll quit the next time around...


Alcoholic’s Isolation

‘locked up,’ alone, no one to hear me
to listen to my words- i can see clearly
nothing important to you, not directly
but a personal approach- an ethical theory
of nothing important to you, not exactly
but a way past things that complicate... to see
a simple way without, but with all- recovery
an addict’s crooked path back to his sobriety
not simple, not short, not easily understood-
more fraught with disaster, scattered, confused.
a walk back to and past all i used to be
as i was gulping it down, drinking away me
losing it all- family, friends, focus, love
life and employment, too, nearly- above
all my senses- dulled by lack of awareness-
lost, lonesome and depressed- in all fairness
also abandoned, misused, committed, abused,
forced into treatment, but medication refused.
program, too- counseling, A.A. and all
ignoring the help, preparing for a fall
away from everyone and everything i once knew
away from living- zoned out from all that’s true
bored but anxious, desperate but upbeat
trying my best to stay up, on my feet
but falling quickly, reaching out for a hand
of anyone that’s listening- someone to understand
nothing important to them, only me
anyone grounded who can help me see.