The Loneliness of Jesus before His Crucifixion

RECORDER comments:

“This is an account of the events leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus, revealing that he himself was frequently emotionally off-balance due to his fears of his approaching crucifixion and the attitude of his disciples towards his ordeal. They felt that he was actually contributing to his own death by his erratic behaviour.

When it came to the time of the Last Supper, it is clear that Jesus did not preside over it happily. His heart was heavily oppressed by the fact that the disciple John, was caught up in the re-telling of the horrific events leading to the escape of the Israelites from Egypt and the slaughter of all the Egyptian firstborn children. The other disciples were equally involved in the drama, quite oblivious of the fact that killing of any kind was anathema to their leader, Jesus.

Here, you have the truth concerning Jesus' commandment to break bread and drink wine to commemorate his demise. He felt that they had learnt little of his true teachings and that the reference to the blood of the wine might make a lasting impression on their minds.

It is sad to learn how very alone Jesus was during his last hours with his disciples. It also becomes very clear why they deserted him after his arrest. There was a rift between the disciples and Jesus”.

CHRIST continues:

“My disciples ashamed of what I had done, quietly left the scene and hid amongst the alleys some way from the Temple. When they returned to me later, they clearly showed they were also sorely tried by my actions. They wondered whether I had taken leave of my senses, gone mad, prophesying my death and then doing those very things which would probably be the cause of it.

It was at that time that Judas, who had never fully shed his Jewish beliefs, began to doubt whether I was the Messiah after all. Three years I had taught the people and there was no lessening of the Roman rule. Three years and people were no nearer the happiness I had promised them. And now it seemed that I was about to become a disturber of the peace - bringing down the wrath of Rome on their heads.

He heard that the Jewish High Priest wanted to get rid of me and so he offered his services to identify my person when required to do so.

When it was time for me to eat the Passover with my disciples, I arranged we should eat it all together in a large supper room. I knew it would be the last time I would eat any food on earth. I do not want to return deeply to the consciousness of that night.

I felt great sadness to be leaving my disciples who had served me so well. With my sadness came a return of all my fears and conflicts. I had moments of deep emotional self-pity. I felt that no one understood all I had tried to do for my people and the sacrifice I was prepared to make for them.

John was giving a vivid account of the story of the Israelites’ last night in Egypt before they escaped into the desert. He spoke of Moses’ instructions to the head of each family to kill an unblemished lamb, to cook it in a certain way and paint its blood on the doorposts of all Israelite dwellings, because that very night, angels would come and slaughter all the first born children of the Egyptians and their livestock. With great relish, he recalled the outcry made by the Egyptians when they woke to find the bloodied first-born in every home. None was spared.

It was the kind of horrible story I rejected as having any value for anyone seeking higher spiritual Truth. I wondered how much my disciples had really understood when I spoke of their ‘Heavenly Father’ and His love for all mankind. How could they relish the thought of ‘angels’ killing the Egyptian first-born when I had clearly told them that ‘God’, the ‘Father’ was Love.

But the Jews had always been pre-occupied with the shedding of blood to atone for their sins.

Even Abraham, the founder of the Israelite nation, had been convinced he should take his only son into the desert and kill and offer him as a sacrifice to God. A pagan and revolting thought!

I thought of the animal sacrifices in the Temple. Loving all the wild things of creation as I did, the practice was an abomination to me. And now I was about to be put to death because I had dared to speak the words of Truth. And when I considered how little I had achieved in passing on my knowledge, I wondered why I had been sent on such a mission!

I felt a momentary spasm of resentment and anger inter-threading my usual feelings of love for these men.

With some cynicism, I wondered what effective token of remembrance I could leave with them, to bring back to their minds all my teachings when I was no longer with them. If they could so swiftly forget all my teachings on the ‘Father’s Love’ and enjoy the horrible story of the Passover, whilst I was still in the room with them - how much would they remember when I had died as a ‘felon’ on the cross, the most despicable of deaths?

Then it came to me that since they were so moved by the ‘shedding of blood’, I would give them blood to remember me by!

With these ironical reflections, I took up a loaf of bread, broke it and passed it to my disciples and told them to eat it. I likened the brokenness of the bread to the future brokenness of my body and asked them to repeat this ‘breaking of bread and distribution’ as a means of remembering the sacrifice of my body to bring them the TRUTH - the Truth about God and the Truth about life, the Truth about Love.

Realising I was in a strange mood, they stopped eating, listened, took the bread and ate it silently.

Next, I took up my goblet of wine and passed it around, saying that they must each drink from it for it was a symbol of my blood which would shortly be shed because I had dared to bring them the Truth of Existence.

I saw that the edge in my voice had reached some of them. Soberly, each one took a sip and then passed the goblet to his neighbour. But still, they said nothing. They sensed I was in earnest and would not tolerate any more argument.

Then I told them that a certain man amongst them would betray me.

(Privately, I understood his motives and knew that he was a necessary part of the future sequence of events. He was but playing a role which his nature had prompted him to do. I knew that he would suffer greatly and I felt compassion for him. But these thoughts I kept to myself.)

When I mentioned that one of them would betray me and told Judas to leave and do what he had to do quickly, the disciples came alive, wondering if this was really their last meal with me.

Now there was a great deal of emotional distress, questions, even recriminations for having led them into such a trap. Again, they wondered what they would do with their lives after I had gone. They asked what kind of standing they would have in the community if I were crucified. They would be an object of derision, they argued. No one would ever again believe a word they spoke.

Deeply saddened by their self-centred response to my predicament, I assured them they had no need to fear for their own safety. They would abandon me and would not be connected to my crucifixion. After my death, I suggested they should disperse and return to Galilee.

This touched Peter deeply and he reacted, vehemently denying that he would ever abandon me - but of course he did”.

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