If You Don't Know,You Don't Want To Know, What It Feels Like To Lose A Child

Being a strong mother of five beautiful children, my life was cut down on December 29th 1989 to barely living.

I watched as my nineteen year old son lie in a coma for week, and so did I. He was hooked up to a respirator barely breathing so was I?

I tried everything I could to be strong for my family.

The evening of January 5th 1990 my son died and so did a part of me.

It was the worst pain I ever felt in my life. It felt as though someone ripped my heart out, I was run over by a tractor trailer, it felt like someone was standing on my chest and I was gasping for air.

I went from a strong woman to a helpless child, ashamed of what the world would think of me. I didn't want to live, but I knew those four little children that were staring at me needed me.

I felt I had to hide my grief, I had to smile when I was crying inside, I had to stand when I wanted to fall to the ground and scream forever.

I wanted so much to wake up, this be a bad dream, the closing of the casket helped me release this was real, Kenny was dead.

There were mornings I couldn't move a muscle in my body, all I could do was lay there and cry, my body felt so heavy.

Nothing made sense to me anymore. Why did Kenny have to die?

I waited up for him months after his death, wishing he would walk through that door as he did so many times before. I kept his clothes for years, every chance I got I would go to his room and sit on his bed, and take out a shirt and smell it and cry my heart out.

A child murdered is a despicable act, not compared to that of a grieving mother. The pain, the shame, the guilt, the loneliness, the sadness, the anger, the suicidal thoughts, all is too much to bare.

I knew if I was going to ever live again I had to let go and let God. I did on December 29th 2007. I surrendered my son to God, so the both of us could rest in peace.

Kenny was not just my son; he was my best friend in the world. He was such a respectful young man. I will miss him forever.

Love your children, hug you children; I don't want no parent ever feel the pain I felt.

This candle is a symbol of the light, I knew I would see at the end of my journey.

I am thankful for a patience God.

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