A Mediator’s Diary
When I wanted to write my mediation experiences in Turkey, I didn’t want to write an academic article. Firstly, that’s not fitting to my poet nature. Secondly, mediation itself, is a never-ending Road like Life, and I wanted to describe the full scenery with its colors. Of course, this is my Scenery.
Before Mediation: A Dream within a Dream
What have you been doing all those years?
I have been dreaming,
What have you been dreaming?
Well, dreams within the dreams…
Somethings in life are decided before we even thought of and for some others, I suppose, we decide while we live. As far as I could think in this reality, I didn’t chose my intercultural family. But the intercultural beginning of my life made me to reflect a lot about others; their religion, their language, their countries, their life and their culture in general. I was grown up in such an environment that I could’t even decide my own religion; I met four different ones at my greater home; some were orthodox, some others catholic, some were shiite and some others sunni.
If there was some good, I didn’t know what good was. If there was any right, I didn’t know what right was. My father told me that I should not harm any living creature and my mother told me not to lie and be fair to every human being: These were my daily limits. But at nights, watching the sky above, I always thought that I came from another planet. For a long time, between reality and dream, I wanted them to come back and take me back to where I belonged!
When I was at the high school, at the age of 15, I already decided to go abroad. I had the idea that only through travelling and meeting others, I could define myself other than my name, Deniz, which means the Sea. I had to discover who I was and what I have been living for. The curiosity I had made me an adventurer. The creativity I had, gave me courage to be the first in actions and ideas. The never-ending questioning forced me to read, learn and reflect more. It was very hard to wait the time pass by but shortly after I celebrated to be 18, I started to go to the university in Istanbul. It was 1986.
My dream about travelling around, and hopefully meeting and defining myself, never allowed me to concentrate on any other matter. I worked almost day and night to save money and yes, after a year of hard work, I could experience my first trip abroad: Destination Vienna! I didn’t know then, Austria would take fourteen years out of my life and in return, it would let me experience many different win-and-looses.
Within another year, in 1988, I found myself designing fashion. To create was the right job for me at that time and I thought it was magical. I didn’t know how I had all that inspiration but I had a workshop in the most expensive and fashionable area in Istanbul and I had a partner company in Vienna that I produced for. For preparing my first fashion show, I decided to go to Chiang Mai which was a silk center in North Thailand. That very trip was my first ever meeting with Budhism and Far East was totally different than any other culture I knew until that time of my life. During that period I traveled to Singapure and Hong Kong, too. I was very fascinated by different language, smiling faces, almost not understandable English, strange food, astonishing temples… The whole trip was like a dream within a dream. I turned to be a vegetarian, started meditations, interested in Feng Shui, studied Tarot.
My first fashion show in Austria; the Silk Road, was a real success. The five years full with fashion taught me different things: To create, to show off, to celebrate, to live in luxury, to put on an artificial mask on my face… I produced only ten pieces of each design. The women or their husbands or lovers, were ready to pay the very high price I asked for, just for owning one of that ten pieces. The process though, was very weird: Each of us made the other one dependent on
herself; I was the designer through the buyers and they were stylish women through my design. At the age of 22, I thought I was the Godess!
In between, like the changing Europe, I experienced strange feelings: On one side I needed stability and inner peace, on the other side I fully enjoyed my extra-ordinary life full of celebrations. I wanted to combine all; like the idea of one Europe, but it was hard to realize as my wishes were opposites of each other. Then came a day when I was only 24, I realized that I lost everything I owned because of my Austrian partner; my house, my money, my shop and I even had depts to pay. This was how I experienced that I wasn’t a Godess at all and money, status and fame meant nothing but they could easily turn someone a slave for having and keeping them. I chose never to be a slave of anything in life but to be the master of my life at that age.
After two years, I found myself overcoming most of the troubles I had and I was close to a marriege to a British man who absolutely was another adventurer. I loved every activity we did together. That period of my life thought me to live the day as it came. After all, life itself was full of surprises and it, indeed, was like dream within a dream.
Businesswise, I kept on designing but prefered corporate design for relatively bigger and international companies. It was very interesting to get closer to those well-known companies. There was a huge and almost insane competition among suppliers. At the beginning, I was astonished by the system. But then, whenever I visited a company, I considered myself as a member of the team rather than a supplier. Later on, I got the feedback from many managers that this win-win approach I had, was the reason of my success. This period thought me different things: The companies had either their very solid corporate image and were afraid of anything disturbing this image or they were looking for a change. Both situation was difficult to handle: The first ones were almost scared to think differently and the second group was full of different ideas not producable. One attitude imprisoned the companies into their image and the other attitude kept them decisionless. While working with them, I had no ther choice than either to re-produce for the first group for which mainly the price was decisive or to create continuously new designs until the second group’s desicion-makers agreed the new image and its style. Whatever the order was, to let them produced in Turkey was another experience. The bigger quantities and different products needed many producers to work with. But the point was, after the years abroad, I turned to be so Austrian in business that to handle big production in Turkey became a nightmare. During that kind of business, conflicts arouse all over.
I was continuously facing my childhood dileamma; whereever I was, either in Austria or Turkey, in both countries I was a foreigner and the questions who I was and what I lived for, were getting even harder to answer. And the dream within a dream, as if all happening in my life were independent from each other, went on.
On 6th October 1996 my son was born in Vienna. Anthony Robert Atilla had to learn and create a life among three different languages and countries. When he was three years old, he could seperate the languages by countries and almost fluently, spoke them all. The years, between 1996 and 1999 with my son, changed my life forever. I realized how good I was with children and how much I liked teaching. My son followed my curiosity while growing up, we created everyday another Lego city, his never-ending questions forced me to keep up my research about everything in life. I loved to witness his innocence, his natural acceptance of differences, the way he adopted himself to any change, his tolerance for every living creature. I realized that conflicts happened as we, adults, lost those qualities the children had; somewhere, somehow and sometime ago.
Shortly after my divorce and at the age of thirty-one, I gave up all what I had been doing until that time and I went back to studies. One after another I studied International Relations, Mediation, Physcology and Management. Among all the studies, mediation attracted me most. I had the feeling that I could answer my life-time questions through mediation. So I decided to go back to Turkey after fourteen years of Austrian and international life; kind of leaving all behind me, and re-starting my life by teaching and promoting mediation in the country I was born. Yet again, it was another dream within a dream.
Back to Turkey: Knowing the Self
Ah, you want to know yourself?
Yes, I do.
Have you ever seen yourself?
Yes, of course and many times.
How did those many times happen?
I look at a miror everyday.
Until the moment you see yourself in the eye of another,
You won’t be able to know yourself.
It was a strange feeling to be back in Turkey. I spoke Turkish, I completed some studies, I had my parents if I needed help, I had friends from my youth, I had business connections, yet something I could’t name, was missing. Tony started school, I started lecturing at a university but home wasn’t home. Everyday I had another conflict with either people or institutes or the system in general: The time perception, the understanding of status and the way of working, the level of relations, no individualism, the communication style, no objectivity, non-demokratic decision-making process, and many other things were so different than how I used to live in Austria, that during the first year, almost everyday, I was close to go back to Vienna.
But lecturing at the Istanbul Commerce University, training at KOSGEB and writing articles on international politics at a daily newspaper, gave me power. I was different and to be different became my advantage. The participants in general, liked my interactive way of training and they were interested in communicating with me further. There were some people following all my trainings and attending to whatever I was offering. During winter 2002, I had my first mediation training at Children’s Court in Sultanahmet. It was a full joy. During the academic year of 2003-2004, Istanbul Commerce University agreed to support me for mediation training. The newspaper of Istanbul Chamber of Commerce gave a half-page space for me and mediation. We got only three students after all and the programme never actualized. I started consulting companies, delivering mediation services and trying to find better ways of promoting mediation. Aksam was the second newspaper which gave a corner on the third page for mediation and me. Hurriyet, with half a page, followed Aksam. Then I visited Gaziantep EU Business Development Center. The Director, knowing all the conflicts especially at family businesses, was interested in mediation.
I had to decide; to keep my work at the university or to leave the university and focus on mediation. It was a hard decision: I had a son to take care, I didn’t have much financial security, mediation was absolutely new and unknown. Suddenly I realized that the things I have been doing and experiencing until that time of my life; travelling, designing, writing, studying very different subjects, managing, win-loose situations, etc, although seemed completely different than each other, they had a total meaning and actually they were completing each other. I knew that I had a much broader perspective and a very curious courage than others. So I decided to follow my vision, accepted to loose my regular income and I left the university.
Only two months later, I got an interesting mediation case: Fenerbahce Rowing Club. The process took almost four months. I was with the team at the camps, at the competitions, at the club and I spoke to everyone; from rowers to cooks, from trainers to managers. I loved what I have done and to get positive results, encouraged me most.
To go on mediation, I needed partners due to my financial situation and I found them after some research: Our deal was about knowledge and finance; I had the first, they had the second. After this deal, two paralel trainings; in Gaziantep and Istanbul started at the same time. I appreciated the two Dutch trainers joining me at the end of these trainings. Mediation was advertised in local and national media and one after another, I gave inteviews at different newspapers or on TV. People were still mixing up mediation with meditation but a certain awarness was more or less on the way.
The next step was, to establish an association in which we could develop the mediator’s ethics and the mediation procedures, organize events, publish informative documents, etc. So, the first Mediators Association of Turkey was established for these purposes and with the group who completed the trainings in Gaziantep and Istanbul.
Fate obviously, had another sense of humour than me. Only after eight months of partnership and just before the first Mediation Conference, I experienced that my financial partners didn’t want to invest further. After a terrible week, I borrowed the necessary amount personally to realize the planned international conference. In between the website was on, a booklet on mediation was ready, School Mediation Programme was developed, a Peace Project with the support of famous artists and journalists started, new trainings were on the way, I had contacts at Ministery of Justice, I developed international cooperations and with a deep appreciation I must say, the foreign collegues supported me, and are still supporting me up to date, a lot.
The difficulties went on as if they would never end: To support the association and its activities and to run the company properly costed lots of work, money and time. It was very clear at that time that I was left alone by the financial partners, I had to pay back the money I borrowed for realizing the activities of the association and the income, although I offered and delivered both; mediation training and services, couldn’t cover all. I met my Italian mediation partner during that period of troubles. He believed in mediation like me and we somehow, were like the other half of each other. We started to develop a trustable cooperation and delivered the first mediation trainings of Ankara Bar Association which lasted almost five months. The idea of L’accadémia Areté which based on human excellence and social responsibilty developed further between us and by time we found ourselves founding it.
I kept promoting mediation and managed different activities in Turkey. One of them was a mediation project with a foundation and Ministry of Justice at the Juveneal Prison in Ankara. On one side I wanted to complete pilot projects showing that mediation can be applied at any area of conflict, on the other side I had to focus on more commercial activities. In 2007 I took another sharp decision by selling my only property I had, to handle the financal difficulties I faced. At the age of 39, I had nothing else than my son and my knowledge.
Life taught me things in a very interesting way. I know now that human beings need others to see themselves. I have seen myself in the eyes of my Italian partner. But seeing alone isn’t enough; to love and to feel compassion to the Self after seeing the Core, which is harder than to see, is absolutely necessary for a higher level of human development. I chose to be a mediator and I faced my own conflicts I carried through out my life: To be able to answer the questions who I was and what I lived for, forced me to touch the very inner me. Oh, how painful it was! My fears, tears, disappointments, anger, failure, happiness, success; whatever I thought of mine, was my own creation and became my prison, and whatever I thought about others was my own perception and became my judgements. I could call myself a good mediator and at each whatever wasn’t good, would bring me into a new conflict. I went through that stage quite sharply; without defending, blaming, explaning, naming; just meeting and talking to my very Core in silence, Be’ing nothing... This brought me freedom.
The only reality is; I am I: Nothing more and nothing less.
This was the period I decided to change the content of the mediation trainings completely. To be a mediator, didn’t mean to finish a training and receive a certificate but to free the Self from any kind of self conflicts, which I called the heavy burden, people loved to carry in life. This process would feed nourishingly the principle of impartiality.
I realized more and more, through trainings and mediating, that mediation led both; the parties and the mediator, into a new way of life and a mediator was born mediator. My studies on philosophy and symbols and my last book I wrote called The Philosopher Mediator, changed my perspective once more in a deeper sense. Instead of acting as a main character during the last
months, I chose to be an observer. Yet another time in my life, by observing without judging, I have witnessed the sharp difference between to have and to be: Whatever we talked about; nationality, religion, language, ideology, beauty, virtue, knowledge, strength, whenever people tried to have them, instead of to be them, those things lost their magic like Sindirella’s change at midnight. Yes indeed, a mirror could show me what I wanted to be but only the eyes of another person could show me who I was. I have seen myself, a second time, in the eyes of the others during this observation period. I know now, that a human being is a symbol; anyone can give any meaning to a person. That someone calls me good or bad, doesn’t mean I am good or bad. I need no defense, no explanation, to refusal.
Because, I am I; nothing more and nothing less.
September 2007 Mediation Draft Statute: A New Phase
Change brings uncertainity,
Uncertainity brings fear,
Fear brings sharper judgements,
Until the day, the change is clearly defined.
The legal system in Turkey, like most of the countries, noticed the well-known troubles some time ago: A court case lasted too long and it was costy, people were exhausted in between and somehow they lost the trust to justice, some lawyers didn’t like what they were doing and trying to find a win-win situation by feeling rather than knowing, the international environment and the nature of such cases needed another approach besides arbitration, the law faculties were too slow to update the education and the young lawyers didn’t know IP rights, human rights, ADR, etc. deeply.
The steps towards mediation in the legal system started with a clear move in 2001 by giving the lawyers right to act as a mediator. But there were no institues, including the Bar Associations themselves, offering or organizing such trainings. The legal system then adopted conciliation for criminal cases. Yet who would be the conciliators or what kind of trainings should those conciliators take and according to which criteria they would be listed and conciliate, weren’t defined. When I have spoken to the President of Istanbul Bar Association at his office in Febrauary 2006, I was informed that there were only three conciliation cases reported. Similiary, Capital Market’s Board of Turkey announced that in case of disputes, the members should first try ADR rather than court procedure. CMBT developed its ADR procedure as well, which again was more likely conciliation and the main target was to provide secrecy.
There were, from time to time, conferences organized by Law Faculties of private universities; such as at Yeditepe University and Bahcesehir University but they were more likely the results of private efforts of the Deans or an academician interested in ADR. There were books written on mediation under the title of ADR but most of them were written for academic purposes without the author’s mediation practice and as a result, their language was full of legal terms.
In september 2007 the Ministery of Justice announced the Mediation Draft Statute about which each newspaper had positive comments and the Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan clearly supported the Draft. It was stated that, anyone holding a bachelor degree, after completing a 150 hours of mediation plus 100 hours basic law (for non-lawyers) training and passing two exams: written and practice at Ministery of Justice could be listed as mediators. But soon after, both pro and versa discussions were started. The public opinion was divided into two main groups: On one side, people agreed mediation being conducted by any professional, on the other side, people ageed mediation conducted by only professionals with legal background. The main protests
against the Draft came from the Bar Associations and the judges. As the most extreme case, Istanbul Bar Association said the Draft, when legalized, would bring the Seriat (Islam) Law and the mediator would be the new Kadı, who during Ottoman Empire was a local governer and the judge at the same time that acted in case of disputes, more like an arbitrator. Lawyers didn’t like the new competition that may decrease their income and the judges didn’t want to loose their status against a mediator. The idea of change brought uncertainity and the uncertainity increased the reflex of defence. Not many of them though, asked the questions; what mediation was and who a mediator could be. Defensive speeches and articles, created greater arguments with bigger oppositions.
In between, I supported the Draft Statute, except couple of changes, I started a second mediation project at Kayseri Chamber of Commerce, published my forth book but was the second about mediation, I mediated whenever I could and developed further trainings and programmes. My point was to support mediation as a tool for taking self responsibility, a way towards peaceful solutions, a better communicating society. This was the reason why I added non-violent communication module, which was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, into mediation trainings. My focus was the mediator, not the mediation process during my trainings. Besides, I believed that Chamber of Commerces and Industry should develop mediation centers for resolving commercial and business disputes and I encouraged family mediation for meaningful family relations. By time, it turned to be that I had students from all over Turkey and the first Mediation Journal of Turkey, Arché, was published in late 2008. Shortly after, the website www.turkmediatorler.org with the list of all trained mediators, was online.
After the Draft, ADR moved forward: There were many projects, conferences, programmes developed at different universities, new publications came out in Turkish, new websites started on-line information, foreign institutes realized the potential and started cooperations at all levels. Among Bar Associations, Ankara was leading the others. Among Chamber of Commerces, Kayseri started first activities, but Konya had the leading role for establishing a complete mediation center as a pilot project. Among universities, Hacettepe and Baskent started certificate programmes and the British University in Cyprus starts the first MA degree on mediation in the coming academic year.
Two Delightful Experiences: Oh, We Need More Practice and Breaking the Ice
A non-lawyer,
A non-judge,
A non-thinker,
This is me.
I met Seckin Arikan during a workshop at Istanbul Bar Association. We both were invited as speakers. He was the President of ADR Center at Ankara Bar Association. Shortly after that workshop, I invited him as a speaker to our International Mediation Conference during which we talked about a possible mediation training for the lawyers of Ankara Bar Association. The idea actualized by an information conference in December 2006 in which we had more than 200 participants. I remember Mr. Arikan’s sentence: “ Watch out, you are surrounded by lawyers.”
This became my my first sentence to the audience: “I am the only non-lawyer here and I will share my knowledge and experience about mediation with you.”
We organized two similiar conferences after which interested lawyers were seperated into smaller groups of maximum sixteen trainees and took a more intense training. The project lasted six months. Until that project, I had some lawyers at our trainings, but that very one was my first training only with lawyer trainees. It was very interesting to notice that a lawyer always looked for a legal explanation of any case we did, the role plays turned to be a court speech and at the end of each five days-training, the lawyers said: “ Oh, we need more practice”. It was clear to me that some trainees were such good lawyers that it would have been a pity if they were to be mediators, and some others were born mediators and it would have been pity if they kept lawyering.
After that project, Ankara Bar Association listed these lawyers as conciliators and ADR Association was established by some of them later in 2006. So far until today, the President of Ankara Bar Association, Dr.Ahsen Coşar and the President of ADR Center, Seckin Arıkan are supporting and promoting mediation with different activities and projects. Since autumn 2008, we are organizing some trainings together with ADR Association in Ankara and it looks like the Association will be one of the active institutes run by mediator/lawyers.
In 2007, I was invited to an Intergovernmental Conference organized by CMI and financed by British Government in Zagreb. It was a joyful meeting and I met very devoted mediators there. After the conference, there was a two-day workshop in Ankara and I was one of the speakers. The meeting was run by CMI and Bill Marsh and the participants were mainly judges. When it was my turn to deliver my speech, I was stopped couple of times by judges and once almost with anger how I could, without law degree, talk about mediation. This was my first experience of such straight opposition. I was upset, to be honest, and the next morning Bill Marsh and I had a kind talk about the previous day. The programme of the second day would start with group works about different titles such as content of mediation training, the qualifications of a mediator, etc.
By coincidence, I was in the same group with the judge who had the most opposition. Everyone in my group had different ideas except one common one: Noone without legal training could be a mediator. I kept silence for a while but it seemed to me that we got to nowhere and after almost thirty minutes, I asked the group members if I could summarize on the flip-chart what they all said until that moment. After they agreed my offer, I stood up and the entire process, turned to be a smooth faciliation. I asked couple of times, what kind of a mediation agreement, as a judge, would make them satisfied and who they thought, could prepare such an agreement. This was how we got to the point of defining mediator and his qualifications. During the lunch break, that very opposing judge came to me and asked if I could join them during the meal. The ice of previous day, seemed to be broken by effective communication.
This was the power of mediative behavior: Instead of opposing, listening, accepting the concerns, seeing the common interest and finding a win-win approach.
We, as human, had the most fear from the unknown. And the change had more or less the same effect if the people weren’t informed about the process and its mighty results.
Mediating in Turkey: A Funful Way of Learning My Culture
People, people,
Show me myself.
Culture, culture,
Show me my land.
Besides taking roles in pilot projects, I was interested in and prefered mediating business/commercial disputes due to my previous experiences. I accepted mostly disputes of international contracts, family businesses and multi-cultural projects.
One of these cases was a family business established almost thirty years ago by three brothers which turned to be a leading textile company today. The main conflict, as I was told before the mediation session by the President of the Board, was the lack respect of the young generation. As I had a multi-cultural family, I never experienced strong rules in my family under the title respect. This case really showed me how perception of respect could be a conflict issue.
When we started the first session, I couldn’t let people sit the way I wanted them to, because the scheme was clear and noone could ever think about another positioning. When I asked them who would like to talk first, everyone looked at the direction of the Big Brother, but never in the eye, and they waited his command. He said, very slowly, that the second oldest brother could start first, and by following the age order, everyone could talk one after another until the youngest one and
he, as oldest, would be the last word. It was amazing to see the young generation, calculating their birth date and then somehow changing their positions; clock-wise, according to the age order. When the first round was completed, I already knew what the issue was: Lack of effective communication between the Board Members; especially between the generations. Almost everyone had the same opinion about the company and its future but expressed that opinion in their own words and the President at the end, complained how selfish the young members were. During that case, I realized the importance of mediator’s formulation of summarizing the situation. It was amazing to see the change in their face by noticing that they all meant the same.
Culture, culture,
Show me my land.
The main conflicts I noticed at Turkish companies were unclear role definitions, lack of effective communication, lack of planning and long term visions, lack of corporate idea; most of the time the founders assume the company and themselves as one and can’t seperate the financial issues, ineffective decision making and problem solving, unclear corporate communication, lack of risk calculations, mixing up personal-corporate relations, personalized conflicts and either or attitude, failing on effective planning and written feedback concerning management circle.
When it came to international agreements, most conflicts happened when the Turkish side failed to read the agreement to the fullest; the sentence “I assumed..” was one of the most I heard during such mediations. Another sentence I heard often was, “I trusted..” . In general, I witnessed that the Turksih companies failed to have clear contracts and even if they had doubt or questions in mind, rather than asking and clearfying, they assumed. I could mention another important issue, which was related to being a developing country and having an unstable economy, that business people in Turkey, tended to have short-term solutions or contracts. This often ended up with a win-loose approach.
Many times, from different professioanls, I heard the defence that mediation wasn’t for Turkish people. Taking culture as a reference, they believed Turkish people tended to obey rather than taking responsibility. I have never expereinced such a situation. From time to time, parties asked me what, as a mediator, my idea was, but when I reminded them my role, they never insisted and surely such questions could have been asked in other cultures as well.
On the other hand side, I always was respected as a mediator. Even by the founders of the most traditional family businesses or when the word respect spoke most, I have never experienced for age, gender or any other reason, any uncomfortable situation; rather I received a meaningful trust.
I believe, each system, if misled, would cause troubles and each system, if used correctly, would create better environment to the society. And mediation is definetely a profession for which the mediator needs to have multi-studies and develop a multi-cultural perspective. When someone says, “only this way” or “only that group” I belive that person is far away from the soul of mediation.
Who is Mediator; Another Waiting for Godot?
Where do you go?
I don’t know.
How long will you go?
I don’t know.
Why do you go?
To complete.
What will you complete?
The dream within the dream.
I always had intense dreams. I loved them very much. Somehow, I thought, they tried to talk to me. Each dream was full of symbols giving honest and lively feedback to me. There were times in my life, I didn’t know if that experience of mine, was a dream or reality. If it was a dream, when it turned to be reality and if it was reality, did I dream that before?
We create our own realities; we name something and relate that something to an emotion. Whenever that something appears and starts the emotion, the hormons produce chemicals and the body react. Conflict is another reality we create. Some say there are needs to be satified to stop the conflict. Yet again, isn’t it us calling them a need? And isn’t that need related to an emotion?
When a woman says she needs respect, I wonder what emotion is aroused when she doesn’t feel respected. The idea of respect is a self naming process and can vary from person to person. What I am trying to do during each mediation training is, to fire that awareness of the future mediators. Similiarly during a mediation, I try the same between or among the parties. This is, meeting the Self. From this perspective, each mediation is dream within a dream; a Self created dream turning to be reality or the reality meeting Self’s dream.
The adventure is, that each mediation is another dream through the reality of the parties, giving me a feedback. Each dream could be another Book of Life or The Book of Human Reality. And what could be my role in that book?
I am a painter-mediator who holds an empty page and many colors in hand. I am watching the different stories of the parties to be able to paint. I am within the process but also an observer. This is my wisdom; to be there and not to be there. When the poosing ends, the parties see themselves within the art created. This is impartiality.
I am a mirror-mediator who is reflecting the emotions and echoing the words of the parties. Through me, they see and hear themselves for a second time. This is how they become aware of the Self and the other. I am them, I am I; through both, I develop trust.
I am a bridge-mediator assisting the parties while crossing from conflict to resolution. I tell them about the rules of crossing and inform them about the possibilities of falling down. This way, we can evaluate.
I am a gate-mediator through which the parties can see the other side and change their reality in return. This is exploring issues.
I am a mountain-mediator over which the parties talk about future and at the top; from a broader perspective, they create varying options. This is negotiation.
I am a Sokratean-mediator who questions the dream within the dream until there is nothing left to ask and answer. This is settlement.
But at the end, I am I; nothing more and nothing less. What above is from the Book of Life.
Deniz Kite, 25th February 2009, listening to Bach.
I would like to thank all the international colleques; Eric W. Fichter, Simona Mlakar and Lino Barbasso for the feedback for this article, and Hal Abramson, Marco Turk, Jacques Salzer, Giacinto Tommasini, Jeremy Lack, Giovanni Deberti, Sylvie Adijes, Nina Betetto, Bill Marsh and many others making this never-ending Road more meaningful. I also thank to all the trainees I met, the institutes supported my dreams and the oppositions who developed me further and made me a better mediator.
Before Mediation: A Dream within a Dream
What have you been doing all those years?
I have been dreaming,
What have you been dreaming?
Well, dreams within the dreams…
Somethings in life are decided before we even thought of and for some others, I suppose, we decide while we live. As far as I could think in this reality, I didn’t chose my intercultural family. But the intercultural beginning of my life made me to reflect a lot about others; their religion, their language, their countries, their life and their culture in general. I was grown up in such an environment that I could’t even decide my own religion; I met four different ones at my greater home; some were orthodox, some others catholic, some were shiite and some others sunni.
If there was some good, I didn’t know what good was. If there was any right, I didn’t know what right was. My father told me that I should not harm any living creature and my mother told me not to lie and be fair to every human being: These were my daily limits. But at nights, watching the sky above, I always thought that I came from another planet. For a long time, between reality and dream, I wanted them to come back and take me back to where I belonged!
When I was at the high school, at the age of 15, I already decided to go abroad. I had the idea that only through travelling and meeting others, I could define myself other than my name, Deniz, which means the Sea. I had to discover who I was and what I have been living for. The curiosity I had made me an adventurer. The creativity I had, gave me courage to be the first in actions and ideas. The never-ending questioning forced me to read, learn and reflect more. It was very hard to wait the time pass by but shortly after I celebrated to be 18, I started to go to the university in Istanbul. It was 1986.
My dream about travelling around, and hopefully meeting and defining myself, never allowed me to concentrate on any other matter. I worked almost day and night to save money and yes, after a year of hard work, I could experience my first trip abroad: Destination Vienna! I didn’t know then, Austria would take fourteen years out of my life and in return, it would let me experience many different win-and-looses.
Within another year, in 1988, I found myself designing fashion. To create was the right job for me at that time and I thought it was magical. I didn’t know how I had all that inspiration but I had a workshop in the most expensive and fashionable area in Istanbul and I had a partner company in Vienna that I produced for. For preparing my first fashion show, I decided to go to Chiang Mai which was a silk center in North Thailand. That very trip was my first ever meeting with Budhism and Far East was totally different than any other culture I knew until that time of my life. During that period I traveled to Singapure and Hong Kong, too. I was very fascinated by different language, smiling faces, almost not understandable English, strange food, astonishing temples… The whole trip was like a dream within a dream. I turned to be a vegetarian, started meditations, interested in Feng Shui, studied Tarot.
My first fashion show in Austria; the Silk Road, was a real success. The five years full with fashion taught me different things: To create, to show off, to celebrate, to live in luxury, to put on an artificial mask on my face… I produced only ten pieces of each design. The women or their husbands or lovers, were ready to pay the very high price I asked for, just for owning one of that ten pieces. The process though, was very weird: Each of us made the other one dependent on
herself; I was the designer through the buyers and they were stylish women through my design. At the age of 22, I thought I was the Godess!
In between, like the changing Europe, I experienced strange feelings: On one side I needed stability and inner peace, on the other side I fully enjoyed my extra-ordinary life full of celebrations. I wanted to combine all; like the idea of one Europe, but it was hard to realize as my wishes were opposites of each other. Then came a day when I was only 24, I realized that I lost everything I owned because of my Austrian partner; my house, my money, my shop and I even had depts to pay. This was how I experienced that I wasn’t a Godess at all and money, status and fame meant nothing but they could easily turn someone a slave for having and keeping them. I chose never to be a slave of anything in life but to be the master of my life at that age.
After two years, I found myself overcoming most of the troubles I had and I was close to a marriege to a British man who absolutely was another adventurer. I loved every activity we did together. That period of my life thought me to live the day as it came. After all, life itself was full of surprises and it, indeed, was like dream within a dream.
Businesswise, I kept on designing but prefered corporate design for relatively bigger and international companies. It was very interesting to get closer to those well-known companies. There was a huge and almost insane competition among suppliers. At the beginning, I was astonished by the system. But then, whenever I visited a company, I considered myself as a member of the team rather than a supplier. Later on, I got the feedback from many managers that this win-win approach I had, was the reason of my success. This period thought me different things: The companies had either their very solid corporate image and were afraid of anything disturbing this image or they were looking for a change. Both situation was difficult to handle: The first ones were almost scared to think differently and the second group was full of different ideas not producable. One attitude imprisoned the companies into their image and the other attitude kept them decisionless. While working with them, I had no ther choice than either to re-produce for the first group for which mainly the price was decisive or to create continuously new designs until the second group’s desicion-makers agreed the new image and its style. Whatever the order was, to let them produced in Turkey was another experience. The bigger quantities and different products needed many producers to work with. But the point was, after the years abroad, I turned to be so Austrian in business that to handle big production in Turkey became a nightmare. During that kind of business, conflicts arouse all over.
I was continuously facing my childhood dileamma; whereever I was, either in Austria or Turkey, in both countries I was a foreigner and the questions who I was and what I lived for, were getting even harder to answer. And the dream within a dream, as if all happening in my life were independent from each other, went on.
On 6th October 1996 my son was born in Vienna. Anthony Robert Atilla had to learn and create a life among three different languages and countries. When he was three years old, he could seperate the languages by countries and almost fluently, spoke them all. The years, between 1996 and 1999 with my son, changed my life forever. I realized how good I was with children and how much I liked teaching. My son followed my curiosity while growing up, we created everyday another Lego city, his never-ending questions forced me to keep up my research about everything in life. I loved to witness his innocence, his natural acceptance of differences, the way he adopted himself to any change, his tolerance for every living creature. I realized that conflicts happened as we, adults, lost those qualities the children had; somewhere, somehow and sometime ago.
Shortly after my divorce and at the age of thirty-one, I gave up all what I had been doing until that time and I went back to studies. One after another I studied International Relations, Mediation, Physcology and Management. Among all the studies, mediation attracted me most. I had the feeling that I could answer my life-time questions through mediation. So I decided to go back to Turkey after fourteen years of Austrian and international life; kind of leaving all behind me, and re-starting my life by teaching and promoting mediation in the country I was born. Yet again, it was another dream within a dream.
Back to Turkey: Knowing the Self
Ah, you want to know yourself?
Yes, I do.
Have you ever seen yourself?
Yes, of course and many times.
How did those many times happen?
I look at a miror everyday.
Until the moment you see yourself in the eye of another,
You won’t be able to know yourself.
It was a strange feeling to be back in Turkey. I spoke Turkish, I completed some studies, I had my parents if I needed help, I had friends from my youth, I had business connections, yet something I could’t name, was missing. Tony started school, I started lecturing at a university but home wasn’t home. Everyday I had another conflict with either people or institutes or the system in general: The time perception, the understanding of status and the way of working, the level of relations, no individualism, the communication style, no objectivity, non-demokratic decision-making process, and many other things were so different than how I used to live in Austria, that during the first year, almost everyday, I was close to go back to Vienna.
But lecturing at the Istanbul Commerce University, training at KOSGEB and writing articles on international politics at a daily newspaper, gave me power. I was different and to be different became my advantage. The participants in general, liked my interactive way of training and they were interested in communicating with me further. There were some people following all my trainings and attending to whatever I was offering. During winter 2002, I had my first mediation training at Children’s Court in Sultanahmet. It was a full joy. During the academic year of 2003-2004, Istanbul Commerce University agreed to support me for mediation training. The newspaper of Istanbul Chamber of Commerce gave a half-page space for me and mediation. We got only three students after all and the programme never actualized. I started consulting companies, delivering mediation services and trying to find better ways of promoting mediation. Aksam was the second newspaper which gave a corner on the third page for mediation and me. Hurriyet, with half a page, followed Aksam. Then I visited Gaziantep EU Business Development Center. The Director, knowing all the conflicts especially at family businesses, was interested in mediation.
I had to decide; to keep my work at the university or to leave the university and focus on mediation. It was a hard decision: I had a son to take care, I didn’t have much financial security, mediation was absolutely new and unknown. Suddenly I realized that the things I have been doing and experiencing until that time of my life; travelling, designing, writing, studying very different subjects, managing, win-loose situations, etc, although seemed completely different than each other, they had a total meaning and actually they were completing each other. I knew that I had a much broader perspective and a very curious courage than others. So I decided to follow my vision, accepted to loose my regular income and I left the university.
Only two months later, I got an interesting mediation case: Fenerbahce Rowing Club. The process took almost four months. I was with the team at the camps, at the competitions, at the club and I spoke to everyone; from rowers to cooks, from trainers to managers. I loved what I have done and to get positive results, encouraged me most.
To go on mediation, I needed partners due to my financial situation and I found them after some research: Our deal was about knowledge and finance; I had the first, they had the second. After this deal, two paralel trainings; in Gaziantep and Istanbul started at the same time. I appreciated the two Dutch trainers joining me at the end of these trainings. Mediation was advertised in local and national media and one after another, I gave inteviews at different newspapers or on TV. People were still mixing up mediation with meditation but a certain awarness was more or less on the way.
The next step was, to establish an association in which we could develop the mediator’s ethics and the mediation procedures, organize events, publish informative documents, etc. So, the first Mediators Association of Turkey was established for these purposes and with the group who completed the trainings in Gaziantep and Istanbul.
Fate obviously, had another sense of humour than me. Only after eight months of partnership and just before the first Mediation Conference, I experienced that my financial partners didn’t want to invest further. After a terrible week, I borrowed the necessary amount personally to realize the planned international conference. In between the website was on, a booklet on mediation was ready, School Mediation Programme was developed, a Peace Project with the support of famous artists and journalists started, new trainings were on the way, I had contacts at Ministery of Justice, I developed international cooperations and with a deep appreciation I must say, the foreign collegues supported me, and are still supporting me up to date, a lot.
The difficulties went on as if they would never end: To support the association and its activities and to run the company properly costed lots of work, money and time. It was very clear at that time that I was left alone by the financial partners, I had to pay back the money I borrowed for realizing the activities of the association and the income, although I offered and delivered both; mediation training and services, couldn’t cover all. I met my Italian mediation partner during that period of troubles. He believed in mediation like me and we somehow, were like the other half of each other. We started to develop a trustable cooperation and delivered the first mediation trainings of Ankara Bar Association which lasted almost five months. The idea of L’accadémia Areté which based on human excellence and social responsibilty developed further between us and by time we found ourselves founding it.
I kept promoting mediation and managed different activities in Turkey. One of them was a mediation project with a foundation and Ministry of Justice at the Juveneal Prison in Ankara. On one side I wanted to complete pilot projects showing that mediation can be applied at any area of conflict, on the other side I had to focus on more commercial activities. In 2007 I took another sharp decision by selling my only property I had, to handle the financal difficulties I faced. At the age of 39, I had nothing else than my son and my knowledge.
Life taught me things in a very interesting way. I know now that human beings need others to see themselves. I have seen myself in the eyes of my Italian partner. But seeing alone isn’t enough; to love and to feel compassion to the Self after seeing the Core, which is harder than to see, is absolutely necessary for a higher level of human development. I chose to be a mediator and I faced my own conflicts I carried through out my life: To be able to answer the questions who I was and what I lived for, forced me to touch the very inner me. Oh, how painful it was! My fears, tears, disappointments, anger, failure, happiness, success; whatever I thought of mine, was my own creation and became my prison, and whatever I thought about others was my own perception and became my judgements. I could call myself a good mediator and at each whatever wasn’t good, would bring me into a new conflict. I went through that stage quite sharply; without defending, blaming, explaning, naming; just meeting and talking to my very Core in silence, Be’ing nothing... This brought me freedom.
The only reality is; I am I: Nothing more and nothing less.
This was the period I decided to change the content of the mediation trainings completely. To be a mediator, didn’t mean to finish a training and receive a certificate but to free the Self from any kind of self conflicts, which I called the heavy burden, people loved to carry in life. This process would feed nourishingly the principle of impartiality.
I realized more and more, through trainings and mediating, that mediation led both; the parties and the mediator, into a new way of life and a mediator was born mediator. My studies on philosophy and symbols and my last book I wrote called The Philosopher Mediator, changed my perspective once more in a deeper sense. Instead of acting as a main character during the last
months, I chose to be an observer. Yet another time in my life, by observing without judging, I have witnessed the sharp difference between to have and to be: Whatever we talked about; nationality, religion, language, ideology, beauty, virtue, knowledge, strength, whenever people tried to have them, instead of to be them, those things lost their magic like Sindirella’s change at midnight. Yes indeed, a mirror could show me what I wanted to be but only the eyes of another person could show me who I was. I have seen myself, a second time, in the eyes of the others during this observation period. I know now, that a human being is a symbol; anyone can give any meaning to a person. That someone calls me good or bad, doesn’t mean I am good or bad. I need no defense, no explanation, to refusal.
Because, I am I; nothing more and nothing less.
September 2007 Mediation Draft Statute: A New Phase
Change brings uncertainity,
Uncertainity brings fear,
Fear brings sharper judgements,
Until the day, the change is clearly defined.
The legal system in Turkey, like most of the countries, noticed the well-known troubles some time ago: A court case lasted too long and it was costy, people were exhausted in between and somehow they lost the trust to justice, some lawyers didn’t like what they were doing and trying to find a win-win situation by feeling rather than knowing, the international environment and the nature of such cases needed another approach besides arbitration, the law faculties were too slow to update the education and the young lawyers didn’t know IP rights, human rights, ADR, etc. deeply.
The steps towards mediation in the legal system started with a clear move in 2001 by giving the lawyers right to act as a mediator. But there were no institues, including the Bar Associations themselves, offering or organizing such trainings. The legal system then adopted conciliation for criminal cases. Yet who would be the conciliators or what kind of trainings should those conciliators take and according to which criteria they would be listed and conciliate, weren’t defined. When I have spoken to the President of Istanbul Bar Association at his office in Febrauary 2006, I was informed that there were only three conciliation cases reported. Similiary, Capital Market’s Board of Turkey announced that in case of disputes, the members should first try ADR rather than court procedure. CMBT developed its ADR procedure as well, which again was more likely conciliation and the main target was to provide secrecy.
There were, from time to time, conferences organized by Law Faculties of private universities; such as at Yeditepe University and Bahcesehir University but they were more likely the results of private efforts of the Deans or an academician interested in ADR. There were books written on mediation under the title of ADR but most of them were written for academic purposes without the author’s mediation practice and as a result, their language was full of legal terms.
In september 2007 the Ministery of Justice announced the Mediation Draft Statute about which each newspaper had positive comments and the Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan clearly supported the Draft. It was stated that, anyone holding a bachelor degree, after completing a 150 hours of mediation plus 100 hours basic law (for non-lawyers) training and passing two exams: written and practice at Ministery of Justice could be listed as mediators. But soon after, both pro and versa discussions were started. The public opinion was divided into two main groups: On one side, people agreed mediation being conducted by any professional, on the other side, people ageed mediation conducted by only professionals with legal background. The main protests
against the Draft came from the Bar Associations and the judges. As the most extreme case, Istanbul Bar Association said the Draft, when legalized, would bring the Seriat (Islam) Law and the mediator would be the new Kadı, who during Ottoman Empire was a local governer and the judge at the same time that acted in case of disputes, more like an arbitrator. Lawyers didn’t like the new competition that may decrease their income and the judges didn’t want to loose their status against a mediator. The idea of change brought uncertainity and the uncertainity increased the reflex of defence. Not many of them though, asked the questions; what mediation was and who a mediator could be. Defensive speeches and articles, created greater arguments with bigger oppositions.
In between, I supported the Draft Statute, except couple of changes, I started a second mediation project at Kayseri Chamber of Commerce, published my forth book but was the second about mediation, I mediated whenever I could and developed further trainings and programmes. My point was to support mediation as a tool for taking self responsibility, a way towards peaceful solutions, a better communicating society. This was the reason why I added non-violent communication module, which was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, into mediation trainings. My focus was the mediator, not the mediation process during my trainings. Besides, I believed that Chamber of Commerces and Industry should develop mediation centers for resolving commercial and business disputes and I encouraged family mediation for meaningful family relations. By time, it turned to be that I had students from all over Turkey and the first Mediation Journal of Turkey, Arché, was published in late 2008. Shortly after, the website www.turkmediatorler.org with the list of all trained mediators, was online.
After the Draft, ADR moved forward: There were many projects, conferences, programmes developed at different universities, new publications came out in Turkish, new websites started on-line information, foreign institutes realized the potential and started cooperations at all levels. Among Bar Associations, Ankara was leading the others. Among Chamber of Commerces, Kayseri started first activities, but Konya had the leading role for establishing a complete mediation center as a pilot project. Among universities, Hacettepe and Baskent started certificate programmes and the British University in Cyprus starts the first MA degree on mediation in the coming academic year.
Two Delightful Experiences: Oh, We Need More Practice and Breaking the Ice
A non-lawyer,
A non-judge,
A non-thinker,
This is me.
I met Seckin Arikan during a workshop at Istanbul Bar Association. We both were invited as speakers. He was the President of ADR Center at Ankara Bar Association. Shortly after that workshop, I invited him as a speaker to our International Mediation Conference during which we talked about a possible mediation training for the lawyers of Ankara Bar Association. The idea actualized by an information conference in December 2006 in which we had more than 200 participants. I remember Mr. Arikan’s sentence: “ Watch out, you are surrounded by lawyers.”
This became my my first sentence to the audience: “I am the only non-lawyer here and I will share my knowledge and experience about mediation with you.”
We organized two similiar conferences after which interested lawyers were seperated into smaller groups of maximum sixteen trainees and took a more intense training. The project lasted six months. Until that project, I had some lawyers at our trainings, but that very one was my first training only with lawyer trainees. It was very interesting to notice that a lawyer always looked for a legal explanation of any case we did, the role plays turned to be a court speech and at the end of each five days-training, the lawyers said: “ Oh, we need more practice”. It was clear to me that some trainees were such good lawyers that it would have been a pity if they were to be mediators, and some others were born mediators and it would have been pity if they kept lawyering.
After that project, Ankara Bar Association listed these lawyers as conciliators and ADR Association was established by some of them later in 2006. So far until today, the President of Ankara Bar Association, Dr.Ahsen Coşar and the President of ADR Center, Seckin Arıkan are supporting and promoting mediation with different activities and projects. Since autumn 2008, we are organizing some trainings together with ADR Association in Ankara and it looks like the Association will be one of the active institutes run by mediator/lawyers.
In 2007, I was invited to an Intergovernmental Conference organized by CMI and financed by British Government in Zagreb. It was a joyful meeting and I met very devoted mediators there. After the conference, there was a two-day workshop in Ankara and I was one of the speakers. The meeting was run by CMI and Bill Marsh and the participants were mainly judges. When it was my turn to deliver my speech, I was stopped couple of times by judges and once almost with anger how I could, without law degree, talk about mediation. This was my first experience of such straight opposition. I was upset, to be honest, and the next morning Bill Marsh and I had a kind talk about the previous day. The programme of the second day would start with group works about different titles such as content of mediation training, the qualifications of a mediator, etc.
By coincidence, I was in the same group with the judge who had the most opposition. Everyone in my group had different ideas except one common one: Noone without legal training could be a mediator. I kept silence for a while but it seemed to me that we got to nowhere and after almost thirty minutes, I asked the group members if I could summarize on the flip-chart what they all said until that moment. After they agreed my offer, I stood up and the entire process, turned to be a smooth faciliation. I asked couple of times, what kind of a mediation agreement, as a judge, would make them satisfied and who they thought, could prepare such an agreement. This was how we got to the point of defining mediator and his qualifications. During the lunch break, that very opposing judge came to me and asked if I could join them during the meal. The ice of previous day, seemed to be broken by effective communication.
This was the power of mediative behavior: Instead of opposing, listening, accepting the concerns, seeing the common interest and finding a win-win approach.
We, as human, had the most fear from the unknown. And the change had more or less the same effect if the people weren’t informed about the process and its mighty results.
Mediating in Turkey: A Funful Way of Learning My Culture
People, people,
Show me myself.
Culture, culture,
Show me my land.
Besides taking roles in pilot projects, I was interested in and prefered mediating business/commercial disputes due to my previous experiences. I accepted mostly disputes of international contracts, family businesses and multi-cultural projects.
One of these cases was a family business established almost thirty years ago by three brothers which turned to be a leading textile company today. The main conflict, as I was told before the mediation session by the President of the Board, was the lack respect of the young generation. As I had a multi-cultural family, I never experienced strong rules in my family under the title respect. This case really showed me how perception of respect could be a conflict issue.
When we started the first session, I couldn’t let people sit the way I wanted them to, because the scheme was clear and noone could ever think about another positioning. When I asked them who would like to talk first, everyone looked at the direction of the Big Brother, but never in the eye, and they waited his command. He said, very slowly, that the second oldest brother could start first, and by following the age order, everyone could talk one after another until the youngest one and
he, as oldest, would be the last word. It was amazing to see the young generation, calculating their birth date and then somehow changing their positions; clock-wise, according to the age order. When the first round was completed, I already knew what the issue was: Lack of effective communication between the Board Members; especially between the generations. Almost everyone had the same opinion about the company and its future but expressed that opinion in their own words and the President at the end, complained how selfish the young members were. During that case, I realized the importance of mediator’s formulation of summarizing the situation. It was amazing to see the change in their face by noticing that they all meant the same.
Culture, culture,
Show me my land.
The main conflicts I noticed at Turkish companies were unclear role definitions, lack of effective communication, lack of planning and long term visions, lack of corporate idea; most of the time the founders assume the company and themselves as one and can’t seperate the financial issues, ineffective decision making and problem solving, unclear corporate communication, lack of risk calculations, mixing up personal-corporate relations, personalized conflicts and either or attitude, failing on effective planning and written feedback concerning management circle.
When it came to international agreements, most conflicts happened when the Turkish side failed to read the agreement to the fullest; the sentence “I assumed..” was one of the most I heard during such mediations. Another sentence I heard often was, “I trusted..” . In general, I witnessed that the Turksih companies failed to have clear contracts and even if they had doubt or questions in mind, rather than asking and clearfying, they assumed. I could mention another important issue, which was related to being a developing country and having an unstable economy, that business people in Turkey, tended to have short-term solutions or contracts. This often ended up with a win-loose approach.
Many times, from different professioanls, I heard the defence that mediation wasn’t for Turkish people. Taking culture as a reference, they believed Turkish people tended to obey rather than taking responsibility. I have never expereinced such a situation. From time to time, parties asked me what, as a mediator, my idea was, but when I reminded them my role, they never insisted and surely such questions could have been asked in other cultures as well.
On the other hand side, I always was respected as a mediator. Even by the founders of the most traditional family businesses or when the word respect spoke most, I have never experienced for age, gender or any other reason, any uncomfortable situation; rather I received a meaningful trust.
I believe, each system, if misled, would cause troubles and each system, if used correctly, would create better environment to the society. And mediation is definetely a profession for which the mediator needs to have multi-studies and develop a multi-cultural perspective. When someone says, “only this way” or “only that group” I belive that person is far away from the soul of mediation.
Who is Mediator; Another Waiting for Godot?
Where do you go?
I don’t know.
How long will you go?
I don’t know.
Why do you go?
To complete.
What will you complete?
The dream within the dream.
I always had intense dreams. I loved them very much. Somehow, I thought, they tried to talk to me. Each dream was full of symbols giving honest and lively feedback to me. There were times in my life, I didn’t know if that experience of mine, was a dream or reality. If it was a dream, when it turned to be reality and if it was reality, did I dream that before?
We create our own realities; we name something and relate that something to an emotion. Whenever that something appears and starts the emotion, the hormons produce chemicals and the body react. Conflict is another reality we create. Some say there are needs to be satified to stop the conflict. Yet again, isn’t it us calling them a need? And isn’t that need related to an emotion?
When a woman says she needs respect, I wonder what emotion is aroused when she doesn’t feel respected. The idea of respect is a self naming process and can vary from person to person. What I am trying to do during each mediation training is, to fire that awareness of the future mediators. Similiarly during a mediation, I try the same between or among the parties. This is, meeting the Self. From this perspective, each mediation is dream within a dream; a Self created dream turning to be reality or the reality meeting Self’s dream.
The adventure is, that each mediation is another dream through the reality of the parties, giving me a feedback. Each dream could be another Book of Life or The Book of Human Reality. And what could be my role in that book?
I am a painter-mediator who holds an empty page and many colors in hand. I am watching the different stories of the parties to be able to paint. I am within the process but also an observer. This is my wisdom; to be there and not to be there. When the poosing ends, the parties see themselves within the art created. This is impartiality.
I am a mirror-mediator who is reflecting the emotions and echoing the words of the parties. Through me, they see and hear themselves for a second time. This is how they become aware of the Self and the other. I am them, I am I; through both, I develop trust.
I am a bridge-mediator assisting the parties while crossing from conflict to resolution. I tell them about the rules of crossing and inform them about the possibilities of falling down. This way, we can evaluate.
I am a gate-mediator through which the parties can see the other side and change their reality in return. This is exploring issues.
I am a mountain-mediator over which the parties talk about future and at the top; from a broader perspective, they create varying options. This is negotiation.
I am a Sokratean-mediator who questions the dream within the dream until there is nothing left to ask and answer. This is settlement.
But at the end, I am I; nothing more and nothing less. What above is from the Book of Life.
Deniz Kite, 25th February 2009, listening to Bach.
I would like to thank all the international colleques; Eric W. Fichter, Simona Mlakar and Lino Barbasso for the feedback for this article, and Hal Abramson, Marco Turk, Jacques Salzer, Giacinto Tommasini, Jeremy Lack, Giovanni Deberti, Sylvie Adijes, Nina Betetto, Bill Marsh and many others making this never-ending Road more meaningful. I also thank to all the trainees I met, the institutes supported my dreams and the oppositions who developed me further and made me a better mediator.
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